An ode to running.

5 Jan

I run. I’m a runner. I like to run. Running makes you feel like a champion. Never stop running. I run because I can. I run to make a difference. Make it count. Just Do It. No Pain No Gain. Aaaand Nike’s next marketing campaign: Running is the Fucking Best. Thing. Ever.

This is a bit of a stretch. I would bet that no one really cares that I am running.

It’s really all a lie. Running is painful, and hard, and it hurts. And it’s painful. You are suddenly aware of things like your knees, and not in a “Wow, my knees bend really well” kind of way. They ache and cramp and feel like some smallish person is stabbing them. But you still run. Out of nowhere you find out about something called your IT Band. And this is not a heavy metal band, or a boy band. It is not a band you want to screw around with – trust me. You don’t even want to party a little bit with your IT Band. But if you do bang up this band, you’ll still run. Because you’re badass and crazy. You are a runner.

No, just leave me here and I'll set my own tibia with my sports bra.

As if running wasn’t hard enough, there’s the running in the freezing cold thing. Super fun and sexy by the way. If you’re into girls with boogers running down their bright red faces. No photos please. I actually have yet to find a decent photo of myself running. I thought I looked cool. I really did….Not even a little. I do not look athletic or hot running… I try to look like the Nike Ads. I try really hard. I’ve even done the whole Flo-Jo thing. Full make-up and blown out hair. It’s never pretty. Never. Well, except in the before shots when I still have on my pink lipstick and my hair doesn’t look like Dwight Yoakam’s. My Finish Line photos are officially banned from Facebook by the way. Status Update: Finished another race! And just spent 11 minutes untagging myself from all Finish Line photos due to resemblance of Mr. Bean having seizure.  Side note: Hoping I look better having sex than I do whilst running. I’ll get back to you on that one.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not ALL bad. Like, you get to buy $150 sneakers with little to no guilt. Well, except for the whole not being able to buy groceries for a week thing… You also get to run races and come in 200th and still proudly post it on Facebook. Status Update: I am a winner! And only 199 people were faster than me today. I am an athlete mutha fuckas… 200th is really not that bad – except of course, if only 211 people are racing. But, it’s Facebook – it’s totally fine to leave out unimportant or unflattering details. Especially when you’re a runner.

 

This is me running. I mean having sex.

Another fun thing about running is beating boys. Young Boys. Another fantastic Facebook opportunity. Status Update: Once again I came in 317th today at the 5K but hey I passed 58 boys ages 25-32. Not that I was counting or anything. Take that son! IN YOUR FACE.  I know. It is very bad etiquette to gloat as a runner – but blogging is totally anonymous so I feel like being honest. If you are a woman 35 and older and you run races – you know this makes you happy. Like orgasm happy.

They just don't give these to anyone. Okay, maybe they do.

Speaking of Facebook. Is there any better reason to run other than you get to brag on Facebook? Well, yes of course there is. But it is up there. I mean, if it doesn’t get on Facebook, does it even count? Status Update: Today I finished a race 2 seconds faster than my last race. Which was yesterday. But you know that because I posted 3 times about that race yesterday. I run. Did you know that I run? I’m a fucking runner.

Hell, sometimes all the really fast people stay home and you place 3rd for your age group, and you are so proud of yourself you chest bump the Race Directors, ignoring the fact that they are prestigious directors of prestigious hospitals. You gloat and yell and fist pump at the Awards Ceremony, not really noticing that your family has slowly sidestepped away from your obnoxious ass. This happened to someone I know….her name rhymes with me. Who cares. It’s the closest thing to winning a race I’ll probably ever experience unless I hide in the woods and pull a Tonya Harding… I wanted to celebrate! And immediately mass text everyone I know, including my old gym teachers who gave me a D- and wrote in the comments: C has many talents, such as the most well thought out excuses for why she can’t take gym. We do hope her sneakers are found in your flooded home, her grandmother is found in Chile, her Achilles tendons are repaired, and she does stop menstruating every 5 days.

Who needs raw talent when you have a plunging neckline and a tire iron.

I also thought about texting old boyfriends, especially the annoying athletic ones. But instead, I just posted it on Facebook. Status Update: I came in 3rd Place today.  So what if I left out erroneous information like that it was 3rd for women in my age group, over a certain weight, who live on my street, and only 84 people ran the race….I’m a winner. I’m a runner. I run.

How about the best upside to running. You lose weight fast. Like Lindsay Lohan fast. You may have to fend off a few annoying rumors that involve Crystal Meth, Bulimia and Ephedra. But, let your haters be your motivators. Whatever the hell that means. 

What? I'm totally into running. I don't give a shit what you say.

Really, what running has done for me, is it has pushed me beyond my limits. It has taken me out of my comfort zone. It makes me challenge myself. At times it even makes me have schizophrenic-like conversations in my head with that voice that says… Stop. It’s easier to walk….I say: Shut up asshole. I don’t walk. I am a runner. Stop talking to me in that creepy mean voice.

If only McMurphy was into running. Wait? McMurphy is hot.

Running is also a great way to make new friends. I recently joined a running club, and have met some amazing people. Running opens doors and awesome people run through them. It has been a life-changing experience for me. Because of this badass group of people, I ran my first ½ marathon. (Thanks T) Of course, I immediately bought a <13.1> sticker to put on my car. So, now I am officially that girl, who brags to everyone driving behind me: I ran a ½ marathon bitches – and that makes me special and athletic and a little douchey. But I’m proud. I can run for 13 miles in a row. And then go an extra POINT ONE.  Yeah I can.

Honey badger totally gives a shit.

If you run, you too probably have a love/hate relationship with it. I was afraid to admit this. But, most runners do love it andhate it. Like say…childbirth. You look forward to it, and dread it. You hate it while you’re going through it. At times you want to throw yourself in front of oncoming traffic (oh is that just me?). It is painful and exhilarating. But when it is finally over, and you hold your newborn in your arms (analogy gets a little shaky here) you are so happy and proud of yourself. You forget the pain. You forget the agony. And because you are just a little insane and high from endorphins, you just can’t wait to do it all over again. Oh, and you totally get to brag about it on Facebook. Again.

Status Update: I just ran 100 miles and didn’t even need an epidural.

Epidurals are for wusses. Put the gun down. I'm kidding. Epidurals are amazing. I kind of want one. Right now.

43 Responses to “An ode to running.”

  1. meg January 6, 2012 at 10:40 am #

    awesome, charlene. i have the love/hate thing going on w/running too (not now, because i’m getting over an injury…but when i DO run). re: the cold…i used to do my running in the morning, and on those super cold days, when my eyelashes would freeze together…i use to feel like a freaking superhero. those are the days when you know that the rest of the day will be your bitch :). it’s a great feeling.

    great blog. xoxo

    • Charlene January 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm #

      Thank you Meg! It is so true – you think: Why am I doing this? I hope your injury heals! :) xoxo

  2. rossruns January 9, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    This made me laugh. Hard. And out loud. Thanks for that on a Monday morning.

    • Charlene January 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm #

      Thank you! :)

  3. Lawrence Chaves January 9, 2012 at 10:47 pm #

    AWESOME SAUCE!

    • Charlene January 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

      :) Thank you so much!

  4. dax January 9, 2012 at 11:49 pm #

    Loved this. Just forwarded it to my wife who claims that she never races men, only women.

    • Charlene January 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

      Thank you for sharing it – running is funny! :)

  5. Katie January 11, 2012 at 4:52 am #

    This is amazeballs. I just gained about 10 more wrinkle lines on my face from laughing and it was so worth it. Does running help with that? Wrinkle realease?

    • Charlene January 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

      I love amazeballs and need to use it today somehow. Thank you Katie! xoxxoxo

  6. Joy January 11, 2012 at 10:53 pm #

    Thanks for the laugh!
    Not sure which I think is harder: running marathons or pregnancy/childbirth. Both kicked my @ss. But I’m considering doing both again someday…

  7. Anna January 12, 2012 at 1:19 am #

    I’m glad I’m not the only one having schizophrenic-like conversations in my head while I run…

    Hilarious post!

    • Charlene January 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

      :) Every time I run I do!

  8. Brandy Robertson January 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    This made me laugh so much! I’ve recently taken up running and hope to run my own 13.1 in the next year. You’ve also inspired me to do a similar blog post just like this one. I touched on the fact that I run a bit in my last blog post, but after reading your awesome post, I feel the need to dedicate a post entirely to my own love/hate relationship with running.

    Visit me if you have a chance: http://brandysbustlings.blogspot.com/

  9. secret mom thoughts January 13, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Love this post. Now I have to go run. So I can brag about it on Facebook.

    • Charlene January 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

      :) Brag away!

  10. Cheryl Palen January 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm #

    I am 58.
    I have been running for over 40 years. 13 marathons – a few ultra trail runs (one r2r2r) several Ironman events. Over 100 triathlons of varying distances and many many many century bike rides.
    It’s liberating. It’s my time. It’s invigorating (especially at 5 a.m. in the cold and dark). It makes me feel like a bad-ass.
    It had never hurt or been “hard” or something I don’t want to do.

    I do it for me.
    Quietly to see one more sunrise.
    Without expletives to make a point.
    It can be done.

    • Bitchin Sisters January 13, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

      Congratulations! You’re the one.

      • Cheryl Palen January 14, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

        Thanks – something to strive for then, right?

      • Cheryl Palen January 14, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

        My car has 140.6 x 2 on the back. heh

      • Bitchin Sisters January 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

        That’s kind of amazing. That’s how many glasses of wine I’ve consumed in the past six months.

    • Ross January 15, 2012 at 2:40 am #

      Wow, Cheryl, you may not have meant it this way, but your comment came off as REALLY snobby to me.

      Most runners face periods where it hurts, or is “hard”, or is something they don’t want to do. Embracing that doesn’t make you less of a runner, or an inferior human being. How you deal with it defines you and shows your character, and that’s much more important than striving to be the “perfect” runner.

      In my experience, it’s the people that have dealt with these very same issues and can therefore empathize with the plight of others currently in those same straits that are the most welcoming and friendly members of the running community. I won’t judge you as a person by your comment, but if you treat other runners as brusquely as you did Charlene in your response, I’m glad that the vast majority of the running community I know doesn’t subscribe to your point of view.

      • Cheryl Palen January 15, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

        It’s just running. Don’t make it more than it is.

      • Charlene January 16, 2012 at 12:38 am #

        There is definitely a serious, competitive and even soulful side to running. But, the humorous and self-deprecation view is more my focus these days. And while I have a love/hate relationship with running, I have an ongoing, mad love affair with expletives. Thanks Ross. :)

      • Angela Durazo March 9, 2013 at 10:54 am #

        I am Cheryl’s newest focus of attack. Funny how a google search on her shows that she has demonstrated such behavior before. She writes rude thing on blogs, youtube videos, twitter and harasses people. Good documentation for the restraining order that I am getting against this crazy woman that says ugly hurtful things to not only myself but clearly anyone that she can slew her venom too.

  11. Molly January 13, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    This is the best post ever!!! I’ve been happy to share it with everyone I know (on Facebook, OF COURSE!). You rock!

    • Charlene January 16, 2012 at 12:40 am #

      Thank you Molly – and thank you for sharing it! :) So appreciative!

  12. Norma January 13, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

    Racing when you know all the faster people are at home or doing a longer distance is called “race strategy.”

    (and it’s the reason I have a 1st place age group plaque in my desk)

    • Charlene January 14, 2012 at 2:15 am #

      I like your strategy Norma! Congrats – you earned it!! :) xo

      • Norma January 14, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

        :)

  13. Dollie Myers January 15, 2012 at 5:35 am #

    I think I might have peed myself laughing! Thanks! Love it…BTW, I’m a runner!! LOL :]

    • Charlene January 16, 2012 at 12:41 am #

      Thanks Dollie – so glad you get it! :)

  14. Cheryl Palen January 18, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    Everyone has to be proud of something I guess.

  15. Natasha January 19, 2012 at 5:14 am #

    That was an awesome and so right on ode to running!! I laughed out loud!!! Thanks for the entertainment!

    • Charlene January 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

      Thank you Natasha! :)

  16. Leslie January 21, 2012 at 2:08 am #

    Hilarious…love it! Every word is spot on and so true.

    • Wendy February 2, 2012 at 11:27 am #

      Love your work Charlene – too funny!!!!!
      Here’s to boogers and chest bumps!
      Just spent 15mins in agonising pain as I ran my IT Band up and down a foam roller – am I mental???

      In Your Face fellow runner
      Thanks for brightening up my Thursday evening….

    • Charlene February 9, 2012 at 4:20 am #

      I heart you!

    • Charlene February 9, 2012 at 4:21 am #

      Thank you!! :)

  17. Annie September 18, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

    Charlene, This is perfect. I totally get the love/hate thing and never knew what my IT band was before starting running a little over a year ago and would have been content to not ever know what it was.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Just in case… | msukumo - January 13, 2012

    [...] in case you need a laugh. Or a break. This will surely supply both. http://bitchinsisters.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/an-ode-to-running/ However, I will warn you that there is a small amount of foul language and a few sexual references. [...]

  2. So, you want to be a runner?! | roughageraw - April 8, 2012

    [...] http://bitchinsisters.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/an-ode-to-running/ [...]

  3. An ode to running « Sleepwalking - February 18, 2013

    [...] An ode to running [...]

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