Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

17 Jun
In the spirit of listing favorite things, I’m going with an honest approach. Unlike my sister. These are things I like and want and I’m not holding back. All our readers will appreciate many of these things.  Mostly because our readers are awesome and beautiful…but also because our readers are just like us. Enjoy.
 
 

Money

I like money. Money is one of my favorite things. I wish I had more of it. If I did I wouldn’t necessarily be happier – happiness is overrated… I would just buy things, and help people, and buy things…I just want to frolic in $100 bills like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. Come on. You do too. I’d be happy wiping my nose with a crumpled up dollah bill yo. Money is the root of all evil, but who cares if you have a shit load of money?

Me with Money

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

Range Rovers

They are simply beautiful. I want a white one.  And the cool thing about having money (see #1) is if you get an $800 auto repair bill every 3 months, you don’t care.  See how it all falls into place…If you have one, I’m envious and I want to secretly steal yours in the middle of the night. But I won’t, because of the next thing that I like.

It Hurts to be this Obnoxious

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good Manners

Everyone should have these. They are wonderful. Hell, you can’t do useful things like cut people in line, or tell them to shut the f*ck up when they yell at their kids at baseball games. But look at the bright side, you’ll have friends and people will like you. They may just pretend to like you – but that’s just good manners too.

Don't be a Douche.

<—— Emily Post. Obvi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Facebook

I know you like it too. You’re on here right now. Wasting precious time that you could be flossing,  organizing your sock drawer, dusting your dashboard. Of your Range Rover. With money you keep in your glove box specifically for dusting your car… Facebook is Zuckerberg’s dream of helping us connect and share. And post pictures of ourselves totally hammered, doing seriously stupid things. It’s changed my life. I’ve reconnected with people I love. And then we’ve gotten drunk together, and immediately posted drunk pics on Facebook. What’s not to love? Which brings me to my next like.

I Should Really Floss More

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wine

See next blog post. You can’t honestly expect me to share my love for wine in one paragraph? Throat punch.

Me in Seventy Five Years

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spas

Where else can you go and get rubbed, plucked, scrubbed, sprayed, and waxed without getting arrested or an STD. They are the best places in the world. Even Oprah and Julia Roberts say this, and they know everything…The women who work at spas are saints, and they put up with snotty bitches complaining about their vacation homes smelling like cat pee. They are genuinely invested in their clients and resist the temptation to scald them even when they talk about how their 4 karat diamond is just so dirty from all the $300 facial cream they’ve been using. They also have to wax areas that you can NOT even imagine. If you are a guy reading this…yes I mean there. I would need to drink 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio and wear a blindfold to do this job.  If I was making the rules these women would make the same salary as a gynecologist. Seriously.  Love you Salon and Spa bitches.

All the spa images were lame. Use your imagination.

 

Liposuction and Botox

Wait. You mean I can eat whatever I want, not exercise, bake in the sun, frown and scowl like Renee Zellweger and I can reverse the effects immediately. Sign. Me. Up. I’ve never tried lipo or botox. But I will. Oh I WILL.

Hell to the Yeah.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kids in ridiculously expensive clothing

I love Gwen Stefani. I think she rocks, and I love her style. But, why the hell does she dress her kids like Billy Idol? I can’t believe you can spend  $160 on size 4T jeans. One jelly donut can ruin that investment. And Suri Cruise. Sweet Jesus that little girl wears hooker heels. Clearly I’ve got to read up on Scientology…If I see one more article about what sophisticated style she has I will lose it. She doesn’t have style, she has filthy rich parents who like to dress her like an American Girl doll. Shut the hell up… I’m sorry, you should not be wearing a $600 dress and drinking from a bottle. Unless you’re Courtney Love.  One word Kate: Gymboree.

I Like this Picture. It Makes Me Feel Normal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Kids and Mom Jeans

My kids rule. I’m not even just adding them to the list so you’ll think I’m a good person either. My kids are my absolute favorite things. And I don’t even need to spend $75 on a t-shirt or give them a Mohawk to make them cool. They rock all on their own, even when they say things like “If you don’t buy me a toy, I will not have a good summer”…Let’s face it, they make our hearts happier, our houses dirtier, and they give us so much material for facebook. Wearing Old Navy. <Irons pleats on mom jeans.>

You'll Love the Nine Inch Zipper

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad.
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One Response to “Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens”

  1. Bitchin Sisters June 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    While you’re getting botox, I’ll be slaying Nigerian Oil Lords. With a very bad sunburn, no dizoubt.

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