I’m. So. Tired.

30 Jun

When I had newborns and getting no sleep aside from thirty seconds in between feedings, I would think things like “maybe if I get arrested, I can sleep. Or, maybe if I accidentally fall down the stairs, I can go to the hospital and sleep. Or, maybe I can lie and say I have a dentist appointment and then hide in the car and sleep.”

Settle down. I love my kids. Despite their mission in life to wear me down until I am at a place called New Beginnings, painting with water colors in group therapy.

I don't know about you. But I'm feeling better already!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hospitals, much like prison, are awesome for exhausted mothers. You can sleep whenever you want, you get three square meals a day and are strongly encouraged (by somebody in a uniform) to do nothing. Usually while laying down.

If I was ever in prison, I’d get super jacked and get a Rosie the Riveter tattoo on my bicep and make people call me Bruce. But I digress.

My name's Bruce. I'm really well rested.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 A few stark differences worth noting. At a hospital:
 
1.) A pretty (or handsome – let’s be P.C.) nurse brings you pain medication and says awesome things to you like “Can I get you some more Italian ice?”
 
“Yes, please.” <sucks thumb and continues to play with automatic bed.>
  
2.) You can watch television all day. IN BED. Like awesome, trashy, fist fighting talk shows and reruns of That’s So Raven. Critical absence? Bravo. How the hell am I supposed to stalk Rachel Zoe and her creepy husband Rodger – who spells Roger with a D? – and find out if Theresa’s husband goes to jail for not having enough “ingredientses” to pay his bills?
 

I carried my baby in my Birkin so I wouldn't gain weight. It was bananas.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
3.) People visit you and feel bad for you. They bring things like balloons and cards that say “sorry I’ve been a petty douche for the past decade, but get well soon.” And then they have to leave because, yup, it’s time to go back to sleep.

I've been a real douche. But definitely get well soon.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Not so much in prison.
 
Yup. I love hospitals. Screw Aruba. Who wants to go scuba diving or on a zipline (which may be more dangerous than sledding by the way. If that’s even possible) when you can sleep at a hospital.
 
Drooling on my desk and dreaming of an IV,
Bruce
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3 Responses to “I’m. So. Tired.”

  1. Miri July 1, 2011 at 1:07 am #

    I almost peed my pants, this was so funny…

    • Bitchin Sisters July 21, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

      Thanks. There is nothing like a good old fashioned pants piss.

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