Sweaty eyeballs and Hooters T-Shirts.

14 Jul

I took my daughter to camp yesterday. This was basically the scene upon drop-off…

Me: Parking in the wrong area because I can’t seem to do anything right. Consequently having to walk several hundred miles to get to the school gymnasium aptly named (and clearly labeled) “School Gymnasium.” P.S. It was 105 degrees out.

Every other Mother there: Parking in the right area and looking at me strangely when I walk up, sweating profusely, carrying the baby and dragging my four-year old behind me.

"Can anyone tell me where the gym is? I have a great deal of sweat in my eyeballs."

Me: To insolent looking teenager, charged with the task of “greeting” campers at the door, “Hi, do you know which group my daughter is in?” Blank stare and possible drool coming out of her mouth? Neat. Text me, I guess?

Every other Mother there: Overhearing this ridiculous question, shoots me a dirty look because she has already interrogated her child’s camp counselor with questions such as “What do you plan to do in the case of an emergency?” and “Do you have an epi pen handy?” or “What are your credentials?” Um, I’m going to go ahead guess not smoking crystal meth and having a reliable car. It is summer camp after all.

Me: To camp counselor, “Um, she forgot her shoes. Do you have any extras?”

Every other Mother there: To each other and anyone who would listen, “I gotta get home so I can decoupage <enter clever child’s name here’s> bookcase, compost my organically, natural garden and bake a cake (gluten free of course) for tonight’s Daisy Scout meeting. And then go to Zumba.”

This is so easy and fun.

Me: Basically wearing a Hooters t-shirt and ripped jean shorts circa 1998:  “Oh. Me too.” Blatant lie. I was really just going to get a dump sticker, go to the dump (face stab husband) and attempt to finish off the laundry monster taking over my life-slash-finish Game of Thrones on DVR (amazing show that involves tons of sex, midgets and dragons). Watch it.

Point: It seemed like every other mom was in amazing shape, had their shit together in a very hip sort of way and wasn’t wearing a T&A shirt. Weird.

Their cars were clean and organized, while mine had stickers all over the back window and smelled like cheese and taboule.

One mother was wearing a headband that said “Born to Run” and was doing wind sprints in between cars. While talking about running. We get it. You like to run. But, do you have an extra juicebox? Others were off to do something amazing like volunteer at the library or go to Michael’s to get scrapbooking shit.

If they weren’t talking about their plans to change the world while their child was at camp, they were making  plans to get together for a playdate after camp. I was concentrating on getting home to change my clothes. And convincing people to not call DSS on me.

At pick-up, my daughter was grinning and was more than excited to see me. I guess I’m doing something right.

Oh and I got the damn dump sticker. And have made two adorable people.

Decoupage this.

 
 
 
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2 Responses to “Sweaty eyeballs and Hooters T-Shirts.”

  1. Kat July 21, 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    OMG I feel the same way. It is all a ruse out there at pick up/drop off. Everyone wears workout clothes ($100 bucks only 3 actually workout), talk about what they are doing to save the world (as they drive a 3 ton Escalade) and micromanage kids food (paranoid schizophrenics). I am just trying to find a way to hide my bed head hair,get to work and feel guilty about my organic garden I forget to water everyday (mini cucumbers anyone?)

    • Bitchin Sisters July 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm #

      At least you have a damn garden. I get a call from our neighbors thrice weekly that our dog has taken a dump on their lawn.

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