Nanny Search – Neck Tattoos and Baby Haters Need Not Apply

1 Aug

Don't judge a book by its cover. And can I bring my wasted face boyfriend?










Um, likeeee my mommm and daddd keep sayin i nid a job so like i wuz wunderin if you’d hire me? I likk kidz n stuff.

Me: Misty, please punch yourself in the face and why the fuck does your generation add several letters at the end of words? I don’t get it. It actually takes more time. Please advise. And please don’t lick kids.



Be a lamb and light Nanny Zannie's cigarette.







I am an 87-year-old looking to get back into the workforce. I believe children should be seen and not heard and err on the side of corporal punishment. My license was revoked thirty years ago after I go a DUI coming home from church BINGO so you’ll have to bring them here. I smoke menthols. A lot of them. I also have seven cats. I like cats. Not kids.

Me: Out of respect for the elderly, I will not call the police right now.

Incredibly Scary Man  

Aupair ID : 285281
Last Action: 29 Jul 2011
Report Abuse, yes please.

hello i and my wife,we ar looking for a job in canada or in usa, we can do all hous warks aslo,and if you are interestead we would be very content if you hire us and pay only one person.

Me: Sweet Jesus. Is that a mug shot? I just had an anxiety attack for fear that you may actually end up in someone’s home.


I'm basically Mary Effing Poppins.







I am majoring in early childhood ed and liberal arts (currently online). AWESOMENESS, BUT DO YOU TEXT AND DRIVE? I have had over 7 years experience working with children in different environments from volunteer work, nanny jobs, babysitting jobs, daycare, Teaching ages infant to 3rd grade myself, as well as just recently, private in home education. The greatest part that I love about working with kids (no matter the age) is helping them to become the best individual they can be, through their interests and strong points, but at the same time challenging them to obtain their full potential. I applaud curiosity, I APPLAUD YOU! and I am a person who loves exploration. PLEASE EXPLORE US, YOU HAD ME AT MAJORING. I love to introduce subjects such as social studies, art, cooking, sports, math, literature, foreign language, etc not through tv or sitting down to learn something, but actually going out and allowing the children to experience what it is they are learning, which brings me to my strong point. Educating through fun, not obligation. YOU ARE LIKE A NANNY ANGEL SENT FROM SAINT MONTESSORI. I love being outdoors, trying new things, seeing the world through the child’s perspective that I am helping to nurture into once again, them being the best they can be, by being themselves. My life goal is to help children, MY LIFE GOAL, ASIDE FROM MAKING YOU MY NANNY, IS TO REMEMBER TO PUT ON PANTS IN THE MORNING even those of such young age (infants) to create an incredible learning foundation they will be able to grow off of and add to in years to come. I understand there is a time for fun, and a time to be stern. I use redirection as a discipline, where for example, if a child is throwing a ball at another child, I will gently and enthusiastically redirect them to throwing the ball at the wall, or into a bucket, turning their actions from being possibly destructive, to productive. SCREW THE KIDS. I WANT TO THROW BALLS INTO BUCKETS WITH YOU. I love allowing a lot of free range when it comes to the kids I work with, allowing them to experience life, which means not being over bearing and protective ( allowing them to participate in activities, that might mean a small fall or scrape, but being sure their overall well-being is taken into consideration). I do have so much to tell you, and so little space to explain, but I really feel like I would be a great fit, and would love to possibly speak more regarding working with your family 🙂 Please feel free to give me a call at any time AT 1-800-AWESOME. I have over 50 references, and also a resume I could email you. Thank you for your time reading this, and I hope either way you are able to find the incredible fit for your family. YOU COMPLETE ME.

Me: Provided that you are not really Cuddles the Clown pretending to be an amazing modern-day Mary Poppins, YOU ARE HIRED. When can you move in?

P.S. Please be ugly and please don’t sleep with my husband.

<Whistles in the most delightful way…..>


2 Responses to “Nanny Search – Neck Tattoos and Baby Haters Need Not Apply”

  1. andialsohavefleas August 6, 2011 at 7:42 pm #

    That was fucking great – well done.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: