Adventures in (Not) Dating

23 Sep

Thanks to you Samantha Jones, dating in this millennium mostly sucks, big-time.

Okay, before I jump in, a bit of background on this guest blogger.  I’m Bitchin Sisters’ oldest cousin.  I’m 44 and in this last year I found myself single for the first time in 25 years.  Holy shitballs!   

It is likely true that every generation of women before us has had the challenge of living up to the images that men get thrown at them about who the “perfect” woman is (June Cleaver, Carol Brady, Raquel Welch…you get the picture).  I was married at 20, so the last time I dated was in the 80’s, when the most us women had to contend with was the image of Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.  

Since then we have had six seasons of Sex and the City (I’m talking the HBO version), Pitbull and thanks to advances in the internet, total unrestricted access to porn.  Seriously, guys, with the average woman, lots of what you see there…Never. Gonna. Happen.    

I should tell you first off, I’m not a man hater and I’m really not that picky.  If I had to narrow it down to just a few qualifications of a good catch (or even a good first date) for me it would go something like this:

1) Must be of at least average intelligence and able to hold down a good conversation. (Banjo boy from Deliverance, not so much).

Shudder

     

 

 

 

 

2) Must be a Democrat (You can thank Mom for this one.  It’s not as much a political thing, more like an ideology thing, that and I’m too tired after work to debate over dinner)

3) Must have nice teeth.  (Okay, I didn’t start off with this one, but my teenage daughter insists on it and after seeing someone just like guy on a dating site, I think she’s onto something)

Do you have good dental insurance?

 

 

 

 

 

 

4) Must not own a t-shirt that reads “Mount and Do Me.” Recently saw a man sporting this gem in S & S.  That’ll make you swoon, won’t it?  

5) Must not be a serial killer.  Yeah, I know this should be #1, but I’ve had to adjust my standards and I hear some people really can be rehabilitated in prison.

That’s about it.  See, I told you I wasn’t that picky.  So, I ask, where is he already?  I’ve been on one date in 12 months with a guy somebody set me up with (please, don’t send out invites to pity party yet, because I am kind of enjoying being able to watch Bravo every night and not sharing the remote).  Anyway, this date, he was good on paper, and actually a very nice man, but he bore an uncanny resemblance to my Uncle Bobby.  I love my Uncle Bobby, but I don’t want to date him. 

Over the course of the last year or so, I have been given a LOT of advice about jumping into the dating pool, mostly unsolicited, and mostly all well-intentioned.  I do love when the “marrieds” say something like “ if I had to be out there dating at this stage of my life I would kill myself.”  Um hello, you inconsiderate fucknut, I sure appreciate your encouragement.  The advice always starts with “you should”…put yourself out there, join a club (really, what fucking club are they talking about?) date older, date Jewish (they make great husbands I guess), date Brazilian (not the waxing, the men. The waxing, well that’s a whole other blog – thanks again to online porn industry).  In an effort to put myself out there I joined not one, but two of those online sites.  Really, you cannot help but get sucked into these stupid ads that promise total compatibility (aka bullshit).  I started off with my age range set at 40-50…crickets.  Then one of my well-intentioned friends said, “You should go older” so I revised it to 55 and got this guy  Sadly, I’m totally serious with this one.  This was the actual profile pic of an actual “match” for me. 

Hey baby. I'm totally 55. Or under.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have read hundreds of profiles that go something like this…I enjoy hiking, camping, fishing, riding my Harley and I want a woman who accepts me for me and has no baggage.  Okay Mr. Troglodyte, I’ll be right over to clean your cave in just a jiffy. And “no baggage.” I mean, really.  I’m no Glenn Close (in Fatal Attraction), but I’m 44, have two teenage girls, an ex-husband, lots of crazy, but beloved family and friends, a career, etc.  In other words, I have baggage and I carry my hard-earned steamer-trunk size Samsonites around with pride.

So, my search for my Prince continues.  In the meantime, you’ll find me in my beer-can-sculpture-dirty-Croc-toe-dead-Christmas tree-free house watching the Real Housewives marathon.  (No, really, I do love you to bits D & W!).

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Adventures in (Not) Dating”

  1. Linda September 23, 2011 at 11:14 pm #

    oh it pains me to admit I am in the same boat and can identify with the dating criteria… Pour the wine,,,, turn on the dvd ,,,,,it’s Friday… Great….

  2. prttynpnk September 25, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    Don’t forget to let the prospectives know up front- if the restaurant they graciously take you to has it’s name printed on the napkins, you are not required to put out. A lady has standards.

  3. Katie P. September 25, 2011 at 1:22 pm #

    I have to second the “date Brazilian” recommendation. Oh, wait…was I the one who gave it to you the first time? In that case…I am a GENIUS!

  4. charlene September 30, 2011 at 11:40 am #

    Awesome!! Love you C! Definitely a democrat. Definitely!! 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: