How I Know God Is A Dude

28 Sep

I’m not so much a Bitchin’ Sister and more of a Bitchin’ Sister Wife.  And with that, a Bitchin’ Sister Wife attempting to write a blog in the shoes (new suede wedges I might add) of um………. let me think……..oh yes, a published author.  Here goes:

I’ll cut right to the chase.  My beef is with God.  That statement alone just scored me an express ticket to hell, that is if you believe that kind of stuff.  The whole debate of whether or not God is a man or woman should not be a debate at all.  If you are currently pregnant, recently had a baby, or nursing one, there is no question that the “the guy up stairs” is absolutely a GUY.

Yup. I definitely have a penis.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why else would women have to go through so much shit just so they can have their very own blobs (and I mean blob in the most endearing way and at least it’s only a short phase)?

So let’s start off with getting pregnant. Whether it happens after one “shot” or takes months or even years, it’s effing stressful when that second line makes its appearance.  Or if you’re a complete idiot and can’t read lines, you actually need a digital one to say “Pregnant, dumbass!”  Raise your hand if you took a pregnancy test hung over while putting your cigarette out in the toilet.  Awesome.  Please stand up if you’re living on Ramen noodles and still barely getting by.  I’m sure you’ll inherit tons of money in the next 9 months so no worries in the cash department.  Or how about the people who try for years, decide to adopt, and then get pregnant a week after the adopted baby comes home.  Cruel joke #38 God plays on women.

So now you’re pregnant.  What a beautiful miracle.  I call BULLSHIT.  Let the vomiting, acne, food aversion, bloating, stretch marks, spider veins, hemorrhoids, swollen everything, and a morphing belly button begin.  Bring on relentless weight gain!  Not to mention that you have to buy a whole new overpriced fat girl wardrobe.  Daily comments from complete morons regarding your increasing size always make the day a little brighter too. Oh and God made sure that you have to deal with all of this without the glorious numbing effects of alcohol or whatever your preferred good time used to be.  Cruel joke #192.

Bikini season is-a-calling!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your boobs triple in size.  Need I say more?

They look more like deflated dog ears post nursing, but I am sure this is what God had in mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ah and let’s not forget that there is a man in your life who somehow thinks he understands what you’re going through because he got a stomach ache once from overeating.  That’s kinda the same, right?  Not only is his life completely unchanged during your pregnancy, but he often feels the need to over indulge in all the fun things you used to do with him.  And we’re supposed to feel bad for them because they’re “nervous” to be new dads.  Poor things.  Cruel joke #226.

 

I'm having a baby! Let's get pissed!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And if 9, actually 10 months isn’t long enough to carry around ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INSIDE OF YOU, you have to get that sucker out.  Natural, epidural, C-section– however it happens, let’s not kid ourselves, ladies……it fucking hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Before, during, and after.  Just ask your husband or boyfriend, they can totally relate to that kind of pain after hitting up an all-you-can-eat buffet. 

Please stop whining about, um, anything. This is happening to my body.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, and by the way, screw you, Gisele.  God made a special exception for you and blessed you with a divine “painless” birth.  Yes, that douche really claimed that.

It didn't even hurt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now you have your baby and of course he or she is perfect.  This is non-negotiable.  This is a glimmer that God doesn’t completely hate women.  But God’s niceties are fleeting.  Elephant maxi pads, crotch ice packs, and the worst period of your life for the next 6-8 weeks await.  Love it.  Sore nipples and waking up in your own puddle of milk are pretty spectacular too.  And who can forget how sexy you feel peeling down your nursing bra to apply various salves on your nipples because your little bundle of joy is sucking them so much they are actually cracking.  Actually. Cracking.  And what used to be your Pantene commercial hair is now clogging your shower drain.  Seriously?  Hair loss? If that’s not enough, you have the dad chirping in your ear, asking if “the six weeks” he overheard the doctor say to wait is up so you can have sex again.  As if he was such a stud back in the day that he’s never endured a dry spell before.  Please.  Cruel joke #362.

Till Death Do Us Part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good thing your kid(s) are so amazing that you forget, or think you forget, everything your little body endured for basically a year until you start feeling normal again.  Cruel joke #836.  God’s last and best joke he plays on women is that he made us all masochists so much that we want to do it all again.  Amen.

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3 Responses to “How I Know God Is A Dude”

  1. onefunnymummy September 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

    Thanks for the laughs even though it’s all “too soon” for me. : )

    • Bitchin Sisters September 29, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

      I hear you. Thanks for stopping by. Food is herion. Holla.

  2. Shauna October 18, 2011 at 2:03 am #

    Where did you find a picture of mesh hospital panties and mega pad? Too funny

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