Fat and Skinny should go to bed…

23 Feb

Raising kids with a healthful approach to food, their bodies and exercise is super important to me. <Insert other blatantly obvious motherhood mission here.>

We don’t say the F and S words in our home. That’s fat and skinny to you bitches. (We obviously don’t say the other F and S words. We save that for the internet.) Obvi.

So trying to create a healthy body image and approach to food for my kids is a challenge. Especially when I’m on a mission to get back in shape and eat better.

Mommy is just exercising. Isn't this totally normal and fun? This has nothing to do with the sleeve of Oreos that I just consumed in my closet.

Since the beginning of time, or at least since this was no longer considered beautiful by our society…

Do yourself a favor and don't Google "medieval women." Unless you want to be arrested.


…us women have tortured ourselves with fad diets, gimmicky exercises and an unhealthy approach to our bodies.

Totally. Just don't forget the Pall Malls to keep that baby weight to a minimum. In case you can't read the poster. It says to only eat peanut butter on white bread and drink milk.

My mother was always very health conscious. In the eighties Jane Fonda, that lying minx, had everyone convinced that she was the picture of health. So my mom bought her videos.

Your leg warmers aren't fooling anybody, Jane. Except for every woman in America.

This was Janie’s patented move, evidently. And very difficult, I might add (I just tried it and pulled a groin muscle or two).

It's 1982, bitches. Put your legs in the air.


It never gets old. And neither does Jane.


Ha ha! Tricked you with the one leg change-up in the late eighties.

I vaguely remember almost strangling myself with one of these little ditties. Again, I blame Jane:

I was a bored latchkey kid. Give me a break.

Then we found out that Jane was a lying hussy. And a traitor. Yet we continued to fall for celebrities’ bs and empty promises. Enter Suzanne Somers, et al.

I have boils the size of Nebraska on my inner thighs, but my unitard is borderline amazing.

The diet evolution has unfolded before our eyes. I watched absolutely riveted to the television when Oprah pulled that goddamn red wagon full of fatsies into her studio. And when she changed her mind and said the South Beach Diet was everything, I screamed, ran into a wall and cut out carbs. It was amazing. Until I couldn’t stay awake for more than six hours at a stretch. NBD.

Opes when she stopped eating.                                                                                         Again.

Gasp! Bitch got skinny.


Opes with the low carb sads...

Then there was this guy. Never trust a man with a rat tail. 

Comes with high density foam covered handlebars. You'll need that when you impale yourself through the spleen.

There’s been Sugar Busters, Cookie Diet, Atkins, Chloroform, FenDieAlot, South Beach, Sensa, HcG. It never ends. I don’t really have a viable solution, but a little common sense can go a long way.

A few recommendations – I AM NOT AN EXPERT, NOR AM I A DOCTOR. Although I know a lot of you think I’m a doctor. Natch:

Go easy on yourself. You don’t need a P90X or Killyourself5000 to lose a few ellbees. A lot of those crazy fuckers are professional athletes, trainers and just plain not normal.

Start off slow. Go for a walk. Do a modified Tabata. Join a local exercise group or go to a Zumba class. I love Zumba. It’s dancing only sober. Seriously. You don’t need to drink eleven gin and tonics before doing Zumba. What? Is that just me? You sweat your face off and it is so much fun.

Just do something you like. If you join a boot camp and loathe push-ups, chances are you won’t go.

Everything in moderation. Except for wine.

Calories in, calories out. Go see a nutritionist. Most people do not know the meaning of eating healthfully. And Special K cereal, thrice daily, isn’t it.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have moments when I want a quick fix. I had to punch myself in the throat recently because I actually paused in front of these at Target and considered purchasing them:

Comes with a free carpal tunnel wristband. And hooker red lipstick.

Good luck. But forget the fat and skinny stuff. It’s destructive and makes me sad, makes our youth sick and will make you crazy.

~Blame it on Jane


3 Responses to “Fat and Skinny should go to bed…”

  1. Stacie February 23, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

    The words fat and skinny are not allowed in our house either. Great post!

  2. DM February 23, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

    Love it! Now if only I could ban them from my mind…

  3. Julie L February 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

    You seriously make me “lol” every time I read your posts. Well said sister… well said… I’m that girl thats often watching Biggest Looser eating a bag of chips. Bob the trainer would be so mad at me.

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