Fifty Shades of Ghandi.

14 Jun

Put your pants back on. This isn’t what you think. And if you’re my mother or mother-in-law, stop reading. I’m about halfway through book two of this trilogy of porn. And I am suffering. And evidently so is my husband. The author’s intent was clearly to make us readers a.) hate our lives b.) hate ourselves c.) feel inadequate in the bedroom and d.) make us realize that anyone, even terrible writers like Theresa Giudice, can sell a ton of books.

I can’t string a single sentence together but I can write a damn good book. And my husband can almost spell my full name.

I originally started reading the trilogy knowing absolutely nothing about the content. A co-worker told me about this “self-published author who is on the New York Times Best Seller List. You should check her out,” she said. “You’d like her,” she said. I too, am a self published author. Not on the best seller list. I’m actually selling copies out of the trunk of my car. But the name of my book also begins with the word Fifty. So we’re like almost exactly the same. Except when I Google my book it used to come up #2 (right after Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die) and now, it’s not even there anymore. Thanks, E L James. Whore.

When I started reading the first book I was all “Oh great another vampire trilogy. With a clumsy girl who has zero self-esteem. And daddy issues. Who a hot, indestructible, genius man will fall in love with and OH MY GOD did he just say that?” You know exactly what I mean. The sentence that gives it all away. The sentence that shall not grace the walls of this page because I. Have. Manners. And my mom would disown me.

I was hooked.

I can’t believe the imagery in this book. Good Ghandi. The word that rhymes with knitoris is written like eighty times. Sweet Baby Jesus. It just rolls right off her tongue. Like it’s the word “toast” or  “leotard.” And do people really do that stuff? The red room of pain? I don’t even understand why people wear thongs. Never mind a crop and shackles.

and Christian Grey.

Let’s be honest, the book is crap. She basically followed the Twilight formula and just put in a ton of Ess E Ex. Anastasia even wears converse sneakers like Bella. And Anastasia is really Bella Swan spelled backwards. You really thought it was for a minute, didn’t you? But we don’t care. We love these books. And E L James may be a total perv, but she’s a genius.

Hi. I’m a huge perv. Let’s start a drinking game. Every time Christian says “Don’t bite your lip, Anastasia…” drink. You’ll be hammered by page 25.

I can’t wait for the movie.

Who I think should play Christian Grey:

I want to live in his phone

Who I think shouldn’t play Anastasia Steele: 

I’ll be damned if I have to watch her make the same stupid face for ninety minutes.

Seriously. If Kristen Stewart so much as steps on the set, I’m going to punch her in the mouth.

What does Tina Turner think of this trilogy? Are the domestic abuse people up in arms? So many questions. The language fluctuates from a Victorian novel to an eighties porn. Christian is a true gentlemen, but also majorly abusive and controlling. Anastasia is super shy, but also has a “smart mouth.” I’m confused. And alone. Like these two.

Hit me again, Ike. And put some stank on it-slash-can I get you a glass of water?

Anyway.

Laters, baby. I’ll be back in a fortnight.

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3 Responses to “Fifty Shades of Ghandi.”

  1. gemsandjellybeans June 14, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

    Hahahahahaha yes! I am also halfway through the second. Glad you finally updated this wonderful blog. Miss reading the bitchin posts!

  2. Emily June 15, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    A drink for every time A bites her lip! I’m dying!!! I agree terrible, but I’m guilty of getting sucked in.

  3. Mrs. V September 14, 2013 at 12:12 am #

    Flippen hilarious!!

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