Summer is a dangerous whore.

2 Aug

It’s summer. It’s hot. Stupid people are everywhere. Leaving their kids, animals and expensive make-up in the car. Parking themselves on the beach just begging for melanoma. Swimming in the ocean whilst sharks are eating people and baby seals. Taking their children to the playground where dangerous shit happens.

Every year I look forward to this million degree bitch of a season like it’s her half-sister Christmas. And every year I remember that summer is the most dangerous thing ever. I’m talkin’ lawn darts, fireworks and bridge jumping dangerous.

After this, let’s go play with my dad’s gun! it’s the seventies, why the fuck not?!

But really the most dangerous, scary, hand wringing thing about summer is the playground.

I loathe the playground. It’s an emergency trip waiting to happen. Every Sunday my husband and I take the kids to the playground for dinner. And every Sunday I envision a peaceful evening . My husband and I marveling at the kids while they run hand-in-hand frolicking through the grass. Happy in the moment. Nope.

I call this one the spleen rupturer. My friend and I used to watch kids drop like flies on this little spiderweb of terror.

Another one bites the dust.

Seriously? Who thought that this wasn’t the most dangerous idea ever? How to knock all of your kid’s teeth out in under fifteen seconds.

What we’re going to do is build a tower made of metal. Kids love towers. And the tooth fairy.

I run around like a maniac. I scream and yell and shout “be careful” repeatedly. It’s miserable for all of us. My husband tells me to “relax” and I look at him incredulously, like how can you just sit there while our kids are risking their lives all in the name of an eighteen-foot high fireman’s pole.

I just had a panic attack and swallowed my own tongue.

And while I appreciate rocket ships, this one is particularly baffling.

Shits about to get real on this rocket ship of death.

My brother and sister used to like to whip me around on this little ditty.

Was anyone thinking of centrifugal force here? Anyone?

There’s no such thing as a slide that’s too tall.

Nah. Let’s make it higher.

Fall can’t come quick enough. Cuz pumpkin carving and sledding are safe. <dry heave.>

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2 Responses to “Summer is a dangerous whore.”

  1. piecesofmyrandomness August 2, 2012 at 7:34 pm #

    I love the title of this blog. hah.

  2. Heidi August 12, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    Literally LOL and passed my phone around the office for the moms to read. (Bring back the Merry-Go-Ground! Today’s playgrounds are for sissies!)

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