Madonna concert

5 Sep

 It’s 10:18 pm on a Tuesday. I am usually in bed. Instead, I am in a sea of chubby girls wearing entirely too many sequins and too little clothing. Drinking a nine-dollar near beer. At TD Garden where drunk middle-aged women go to die.

Every time Madonna comes around, my sister and I say we’re going to go see her before she retires. So this time we seized the moment and then dropped a bazilly dollars.

The opening act canceled (Madonna had them killed) so we’re forced to listen to a terrible D.J. while I am repeatedly hit in the back of the head with yard glasses full of mixed drinks.

Cuz these are ever a good idea.

And then Madge trips over her ego onto the stage at 10:30 pm looking like an emaciated penis.

Hi, I’m Madonna. My arms have an uncanny resemblance to penises and I am very tardy.

And then she splatters blood all over the stage while swastikas hang in the background. And no one understands why.

Papa don’t preach…cuz you’re a Nazi.

And then she pulls out a gun. Um, ok. Now it’s a party.

Seems mildly off-color.

I sit next to a sixty-year old man who is clearly being punished for some horrible misgiving while his wife hollers her little heart out. I think I catch a glimpse of him trying to gnaw his own arm off.

Madonna from the Bronx that we know and love.

What I am is demure and British. Nope.

Knock knock? You’re American. Stop calling the Atlantic ocean “the pond.”

Here’s the set list with some commentary. Raise your hand if you give a shit.

  1. Transgression – I’ll say.
  2. (with Kalakan) (with excerpts from “Lekhah dodi”) – Um, what the fuck does that mean?
  3. (with samples from “Material Girl” and “Give It 2 Me”)
  4. Papa Don’t Preach – The irony of these two songs being performed back-to-back is not lost on me. 
  5. (with samples from “Girl Gone Wild”) – We get it, Madge. You’re wild. And fifty-four.
  6. I Don’t Give A – I don’t believe you.
  7. Prophecy – You’ll be on time next time?
  8. Best Friend – I hate you. I love you. Hold me.
    (video interlude; with samples from “Heartbeat”)
  9. (with excerpts from “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga and “She’s Not Me”) – Way to ride those coat tails.
  10. Turning Up the Hits
    (video interlude; with samples from several Madonna songs)
  11. Open Your Heart – Best song of the night.
    (with Kalakan) (with excerpts from “Sagarra jo!” by Kalakan) – Again, what does that mean?
  12. (with Kalakan)
  13. Masculine/Feminine – I’d go with the former.
  14. Justify My Love
    (video interlude)
  15. (with samples from “Ashamed of Myself” by Kelley Polar and excerpts from “Erotica”)
  16. Human Nature – It certainly is…
  17. (with samples from “Evgeni’s Waltz” by Abel Korzeniowski)
  18. Celebration
  19. Nobody Knows Me – Um, I think we’ve all seen you naked?
    (video interlude)
  20. I’m a Sinner – We gathered.
    (with Kalakan) (with excerpts from “Cyber-Raga”)
  21. Like a Prayer – I died and came back to life. And then died some more. There was a choir. It was amazing.
    and then I got lost on the way back from the bathroom, missed the finale and consequently punched an usher.
  22. (with samples from “Girl Gone Wild”)
    You have to hand it to the old girl. Thirty years in the business and she still murders it on stage. The show was mindblowing and Madge is nothing less than impressive. Even if her nickname does rhyme with vag. 

2 Responses to “Madonna concert”

  1. yourothermotherhere September 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    I never liked Madonna. Don’t know why. But she definitely needs to eat a few times at McDonald’s and maybe think of retiring – soon.

  2. Roxanne September 8, 2013 at 12:35 am #

    I love love love Madonna cause she’s so crazy!!, love her!

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