Doubtin’ Abbey – Season 3 Opener Recap

8 Jan

It’s Spring 1920 at Downton Abbey…right after Laura Linney punches us all in the face with her penis.

We’re preparing for the wedding of the century and the house is abuzz. Carson is about to lose his mind due to all of the intense preparation of polishing silver and hollering his head off at everyone. His gigantic caterpillar eyebrows didn’t stop moving the entire two hours. It was exhausting.

Everyone downstairs is either dumb or inadequate. Or Daisy. What’s a butler…whose only responsibility in the world is to serve three square meals a day…to do?

Do you have any idea how important I am?

Do you have any idea how important I am?

It’s going to be a great season. I can feel it.

And then BAM. Cut to the kitchen. Thomas is still a douche. Homeboy subsists exclusively of nicotine and misery.

thomas

“It may appear like I am constantly smoking a cigarette, but I am really trying to figure out how to crush your soul.”

Shady McPerm and Tommy LeSatan are seemingly on the outs. Which is a shame really, because they are quite the destructive duo.

Who's life shall we ruin today?

Who’s life shall we ruin today?

Then, O’Brien’s eleven-foot love child, Alfred, appears out of thin air after an apparent lobotomy, only to fuck up Lord Grantham’s wardrobe. And Thomas is all “Bitch, please. I’ll cut you. I get to dress the men.”

Pfft. How hard can it be to iron.

Is it that difficult to iron? Even in 1920?

Master Bates is in the clink and Mumbelina is on the hunt for some piece of evidence that will exonerate him. We, the viewers, are wondering if it was perhaps Batesy that killed Vera, the wonder slut, when he tries to strangle his cell mate with his gigantic man paws.

What the hell did you say?

What the hell did you just say? It was Bates. In the kitchen. With the arsenic. Fact.

I still have an epic girl crush on Sybil. Who doesn’t love a feminist from the roaring twenties who runs away with the Irish rebel chauffeur? And then he gets fake hammered at the dinner table and starts yelling about the black and tans and I’m smitten. Reminds me of home.

Swoony McSwoonerson

Swoony McSwoonerson

Mary Shoulders Crawley. You almost forget she killed a Persian with her vagina not that long ago or that Matthew couldn’t even breathe on his own very recently. These two are meant to be. Mary’s wedding dress is everything.  Everything. Mary and Matthew forevs. Except for when he leaves her for Moseley.

Shut. Up.

Shut. Up.

Lord Grantham bounces the only (creepy as all hell, crippled) man who would have Edith from Downton. He’s all “Nah. Let’s make her miserable while her two hot sisters lead glorious lives.” And then we have to watch painfully as Edith and Sir Sneers-A-Lot sneer the shit out of each other. Side-eye, Grantham.

sneer

One of two things are going to happen with these two. They’re either going to have like eleventy sneery babies or he’s going to die. Either way, Edith will continue to hurt my soul.

The good news is that Countess Xanax continues to be vapid and emotionless.

Lord Grantham: “Darling, I seem to have blown your fortune.” Countess Cora: “What’s that, dear? I must have blacked out. Don’t I look pretty?”

grantham

One low note: The wildly inappropriate sex jokes:

Lord Grantham to Matthew: “How was the honeymoon?”

Matthew: “My eyes have been opened.”

Lord Grantham: “Mwahahaha.”

Me: “Ew, bro. That’s your daughter.”

Shudder.

Daisy continues to surprise us with just how dumb a human being can actually be. But we love her. Because she’s Daisy. And because her tongue perpetually hangs out of her mouth. But she’s dumb as a bag of veal pies and other meals that absolutely nobody has ever heard of. It was fun watching her try to light the stove for two straight hours.

dai

Meanwhile the world’s most depressing conversation takes place in England’s longest, coldest hallway. Mrs. Hughes has breast cancer. Cuz life as a servant isn’t bad enough. Let’s give the nicest character cancer while Mary gets a new flapper dress.

world

I’m gonna die. G’Night.

While Mary’s upstairs all “But how will I afford all of my hair feathers n’stuff…”

Downton Forever. It’s going to be a great season. I heard no one dies.

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3 Responses to “Doubtin’ Abbey – Season 3 Opener Recap”

  1. t.c.jock January 8, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    Awesome and hilarious write up! I especially love your take on Daisy… “Daisy continues to surprise us with just how dumb a human being can actually be. But we love her. Because she’s Daisy. And because her tongue perpetually hangs out of her mouth. But she’s dumb as a bag of veal pies and other meals that absolutely nobody has ever heard of. It was fun watching her try to light the stove for two straight hours.”

    It had me howling, cuz it’s so true.

  2. Shef September 5, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

    Oops on the “no one dies” part.

  3. mommamarsha September 6, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

    Late to the game, but I just discovered your blog. This entry is rip-roaring hilarious! Thank you for the laughs.

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