Mother’s Day Wishlist

10 May

A Dyson. Because being a mom doesn’t suck. And because a vacuum is the perfect gift for pushing two babies out of your vagina and then having your nipples chewed off for the following ten months. Nope. But I figure if I am in charge of picking up after three animals, I may as well be efficient.

Animals. All of you.

Animals. All of you.

After I wake up from my bedsore worthy sleep-in, I immediately want liquor and desserts for breakfast in bed. Oh wait. That’s right. My husband’s over thirty soccer league has a game scheduled for eight o’clock in the morning. On Mother’s Day. Evidently the team will crumble without him. After all, this is the big league. And none of the players have mothers, wives or children seemingly.

Mommy's busy.

Mommy’s busy.

I want my bedroom back. If I roll over on top of a Lego one more time, I am burning them all. Do you have any idea how badly that hurts? Like rolling over on a landmine. I wake up screaming and furiously karate chopping the air. Unless Legos are shaped like Eddie Vedder or Johnny Depp, they just don’t belong in my bed.

What I dream of my bedroom looking like.

What I dream of my bedroom looking like.

What my bedroom actually looks like. Hey hun, can you pass me that chicken wing?

What my bedroom actually looks like. “Hey hun, can you pass me that chicken wing?”

Speaking of bed. I want a hotel room. I’d like to sleep alone one night. All alone. Without someone holding my nose like a handle, while kicking me in the spleen and headbutting me in the face. All alone. I don’t care if it’s a rent by the hour joint. I don’t even mind if there are cockroaches. As long as they tuck me in, are quiet and don’t smoke. Those little fuckers can totally chill with me.

Oh my god, they're multiplying.

Oh my god, they’re multiplying. And we’re never having sex again.

Wine. Magnums of it. I’m talking backstroke in a tub full of Chardonnay, while you pour Cabernet in my mouth. Because my three-year old is a caveman and tells me thrice daily that I am stupid. And my six-year old bullies me like Real Housewives of Orange County bullies me. Wine. All day.

Me on Sunday. In wine.

Me on Sunday. In wine.

Major reconstructive surgery on my stomach. Despite core strengthening and intense cardio, I fear that my stomach will always look like it was set on fire. Twice. That belly button ring I got when I was seventeen was a fan-fucking-tastic idea though. Really. Not too sexy when your stomach stretches seventeen thousand times bigger than the size of your seventeen year old midriff. Dumbass.

Aw, isn't that precious. Wait until the baby comes and you look like a fucking narwal that was caught in a barbed wire net and it ripped your flesh to pieces.

Aw, isn’t that precious. Wait until the baby comes and you look like a fucking narwhal that was caught in a barbed wire net and it ripped your flesh to pieces.

For one…just one blessed family photo that doesn’t involve me screaming during the taking of said photo. “Look at the camera, kids…daddy, look at the camera (seriously?!) Look at the camera, please. I’ll give you a million dollars to look at the camera…Look at the damn camera!” <Sobbing.>

Oh fuck off. That's not even possible. I call photoshop bullshit.

Oh fuck off. That’s not even possible. I call Photoshop bullshit.

Did I mention liquor?

For my children and husband to learn how to see. “Hun, have you seen my soccer shirt? Mom, where are my shoes? Mumma, where’s my favorite rocket ship?”

“They’re in the backyard with the Legos. I lit them all on fire. Glug. Glug. Glug.”

Happy Mother’s Day, bitches. Booze and snarkism aside, this crazy, exhausting, amazing privilege is worth every single minute. I love you F & R.

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9 Responses to “Mother’s Day Wishlist”

  1. honestfeed May 10, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    That shit is effing funny! You hit the nail on the God for saken head. Enjoy your “day off!”

  2. Karen May 11, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Simply hilarious! Love the Glug. glug. and the unless lego shaped like…

  3. Kerri May 11, 2013 at 1:21 am #

    Oh how I love this!

  4. Charlene May 11, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    Awesome. My photos totally look like that and I sleep with Han Solo and/or Darth Vader every single night.

  5. Ivonne August 31, 2013 at 5:03 am #

    I got a hitachi magic wand for Mother’s Day. Amen!

  6. estrellica September 12, 2013 at 2:17 am #

    Perfect! I have 3 and 6 year old boys and this my life! Ever stepped on a Lego Chima??? So funny….you have a new fan and follower!

  7. Jenn September 22, 2013 at 5:33 am #

    You need to repost this next Mother’s Day, because let’s face it. I’m not going to remember in 8 months to come back here to share it with all my favorite moms on Facebook. And BTW, I read your Pinterest blog post and am now your new obsessed fan. I’m back-reading blog posts! Seriously, maybe I’ve had too much wine…

  8. Megan September 27, 2013 at 3:13 am #

    My husband plays soccer too, on an over 30 league, & yes they schedule games on OUR day!WTF!

  9. sylvia October 1, 2013 at 4:46 am #

    Omg. U are the shit. Seriously. I laughed so hard I snorted. Twice. I Love it. Finally brutally honest shit on motherhood. Thats funny! May the alcohol fairygodmother visit you. Often. :)))

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