Um. We have a virus, bitches.

13 Sep

There once were two sisters who lived in a small town near Boston (more like Cape Cod, but I’m not sure if our new readers in Zimbabwe know where “the Cape” is).

The Bitchin Sisters

The Bitchin Sisters

Our new readers. "We love the Bitchin Sisters."

One of our new readers. If you think you’re crafty, this bitch can thread a necklace faster than you can say “kindly put a bra on.”

One day, these sisters decided to write a facetious article about how badly they suck at Pinterest crafts, back-to-school preparedness, the art of getting your shit together and basically all things Motherhood. The post was meant to be totally inspiring self-deprecating, deadly serious not at all serious and poignant completely unmoving.

They published said post and were all <shrug,> “No big deal. We have published eleventy billion posts and we’ve only had like 1000 views total and 999 of them were mom.”

After a few short hours, the blog post approached 65,000 views and Sister 1 called Sister 2:

Sister 1: “Oh my effing God. I think we just went viral.”

Sister 1. Where's my damn thunder vest?

“Where’s my damn thunder vest?!”

Sister 2: “Awesome. No, wait. Gross. What the fuck does that mean? Talk to me like I’m in Kindergarten. Is that like HPV for computers?”

"Bitch, please. Settle down. Are you wearing your thunder vest?"

“Bitch, please. Settle down. Are you wearing your thunder vest?”

Sister 1: “We have like a bazilly hits and comments on our blog And I don’t think they’re all mom this time.”

Sister 2: <Screams and runs into a wall.>

Sister 1: “How do you tweet? I feel like we should be tweeting.”

Sister 2: “What’s twatting? You’re seriously asking me this question? I have no idea.”

Sister 1: “We suck at this.”

Sister 2: “We sure do. Let’s drink wine and Google it. How do you Google something?”

Sister 1: “Helpful. You realize that one of us needs to make a sex tape now, right?”

Sister 2: “I vote you.”

And for the next week, they learned how to twat and they watched the blog reach 1 million views and receive 600 plus comments, including ones like:

Sandy from De Moines, Iowa: “I love you! Be my best friends. Let’s make out. Hold me.”

Bitchin Sisters: “We love you too, Sandy!”

Us and our readers like Sandy. "Hell yeah! We got this whole motherhood thing."

Us and our readers like Sandy. “Hell yeah! We got this whole motherhood thing.”

And then Angryman from Nowhereville jumped out of his ivory tower, wearing a parachute made of his children’s hair and was all: “You suck. So does your blog. I hate your face. And now, I shall douse you with gasoline.”

Bitchin Sisters: “Neat. Excuse us while we back a car over ourselves, Dude who takes himself way too seriously.”

"I'm unreasonably angryman from Nowhereville! Rawr!"

“I’m unreasonably Angryman from Nowhereville! Rawr!”

And so on and so forth.

And then People I want to Punch in the Face posted our article and so did the Huffington Post Canada. And we were all:

Yup. That's us. Swear to God.

Yup. That’s us. Swear to God.

But really more like:

Ab-effing-Fab.

Ab-effing-Fab.

And then HuffPost New York got in touch and asked us to write something and Sister 1 swallowed her tongue, passed out and peed her pants while Sister 2 looked on concerned and confused.

So while we continue to come up with several other ways to make you laugh until you pee (or ruin the lives of mothers and children everywhere according to some (three) readers), please accept our thanks for being awesome.

Until then,

drink wine

The Bitchin Sisters

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56 Responses to “Um. We have a virus, bitches.”

  1. MB September 13, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    glad to hear you aren’t letting the haters get you down. my girlfriends and I laughed so hard over your pinterest post. rock on!

    • azmarvinmartian September 14, 2013 at 12:12 am #

      Let haters be haters and f**k ’em if they can’t take a joke. Keep it up for those of us real moms with a sense of humor!!

  2. ES September 13, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

    Can I be a charter member of your fan club ?

  3. Trissa Williams September 13, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

    I need more bitchin sisters! Love y’all keep the faith!

  4. Katelyn September 13, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

    You ladies are AWESOME! love that you’re from MA too! 🙂
    Keep making me laugh…and I too would love to be your BFF since my BFF is wine right now.

  5. Kitty September 13, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

    As always you are hilarious. But is “viral” catching? If the kids get sick and have to stay home, I can’t day drink and read hilarious blogs. Well, at least not without interuption.

  6. mary September 13, 2013 at 4:07 pm #

    You guys effin ROCK. Thanks for being real for those of us out there that cant flippin craft, and remember to pick up their kids from school and et cetra. Felling better about my self 😀

  7. Amber September 13, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

    Just want you to know I loved you from the beginning when you wrote the article on running. xoxo bitchen sisters! I’m happy for you! Because your blog is so fucking funny and people everywhere need to read it. Women and mothers can be funny as hell!!!

  8. Nina September 13, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

    Absolutely Fabulous! Thank you thank you thank you 🙂

  9. Shannon Mayfield-Porter September 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    I want to be your BFF too! Like the lady from Des Moines, you’re so funny I’d totally make out with you too!!! I literally just had the same “tweeting” conversation with my best friend yesterday. We’re 41 and missed the whole “twitter” boat apparently. Love you guys. Keep them coming.

    Shannon Mayfield-Porter

    14574 SW Moet Ct.

    Tigard, OR 97224-1523

    503-941-5586 (home)

    503-729-9648 (cell)

    503-941-5732 (fax)

    uofo@msn.com

  10. Janet September 13, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    Best. Blog. Ever. My sister (neighbor) and I do a show from our stoop. It’s called Sue and Jannie on the Stoop. You two should be on our show. And when I say “show”…I mean the two of us, sitting on my stoop, talking shit about whatever. Usually with a drink in our hands. If people walk by, we invite them on our “show”. We are hilarious. Come on over. We have extra glasses/bottles for guests.

    • Cher September 13, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

      Haha! I wanna be in your show…can I have a drink too?! I need some more of these hilarious posts’, just to feel normal…

    • Molly September 14, 2013 at 3:16 am #

      Ha ha Janet! My bestie Courtney and I do this day or night! It is THE best form of therapy!

  11. Misty September 13, 2013 at 4:31 pm #

    I ❤ you and want to be your sister too.. And drink wine and make crafts while drinking wine..xoxo

  12. Regina C September 13, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

    The Back To School Pinterest post was pretty much written for me…so thanks for that! Your lady balls are big. I like that shit. Keep on keepin it real!

  13. Stephanie September 13, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

    Thanks for being REAL! LOVE your post’s and can’t wait for more. I’m TRUELY confused with the haters? ( kinda sad really). Please put up informational post on ” how to TWEET” lol I have NO CLUE! Thanks lady’s have an AWSOME day.

  14. Julie September 13, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

    I love you guys!! If you’re ever in Vegas … Stop by and we’ll drink wine and laugh at all those pinterest over-achievers together! 🙂 So glad to know I’m not alone in my momdom snarkiness!! Xoxo

  15. Cher September 13, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

    Just read your post for today! Frickin’ funny! You ladies are awesome…I’m out of wine, and it’s only 10am. Will homemade Bailey’s do???

  16. Karen September 13, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

    OOOOh – I want to be in the Bitchin Sisters Fan club AND on that stoop show!!! That sounds ridiculously fun! How could ANYONE NOT like your blog??!!! They weren’t born with a sense of humor? They obviously need to drink more wine!

  17. E.H. September 13, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

    Breath of fresh air you both are! Thank you for keeping it real. ;))))

  18. fishbowlgirl September 13, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    I have to stop reading this at work, whilst i file and label folders..i think i bother everyone with my howls and cackling! But THANK YOU tremendously for your perspective, i need it everyday! Awesomeness

  19. Sue September 13, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    Dudettes – I know where The Cape is… let’s hang!

  20. Tina September 13, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

    PLEASE keep them coming!!!!!!! We could ALL use a good laugh- even those who don’t understand sarcasm!!!!!!!!!

  21. Deb September 13, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    You sisters are awesome.

  22. melissa September 13, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

    (Cue corny love song music) Did you every know that your my heeeeeerrrroo….stinkin lov you bitches!

  23. Chaundra September 13, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

    Ugh to the haters & those with no sense of humor!!!! New to your blog and find y’all HILARIOUS!! Thanks for keeping things light.

  24. Lula September 13, 2013 at 5:52 pm #

    I love your fucking faceless faces, bitches unite!

  25. Christie September 13, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

    Love – and what’s even better, my husband (aka hatter of mommy blogs) loved you too! Extra points for the guy love!

  26. Gail September 13, 2013 at 6:12 pm #

    Your post about back to school and pinterest has gone around my kid’s entire school. Even the few moms who are those crazy crafty pinterest bitches thought it was funny 🙂

  27. Margaret tabb September 13, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    Congrats!!!

  28. Mack N. Cheese September 13, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

    rock on, bitchin’ sisters!!!

  29. Jenni September 13, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

    I totally know where The Cape is. Missing some Chatham fudge right now. Summers there as a child. Family reunion there next year. Please tell the sharks to go away before I come. 🙂
    Enjoy your newfound fame! Loved your post, even went back and read old (also funny) ones. 😀

  30. Amy Marsh September 13, 2013 at 7:14 pm #

    Congrats!! You can’t make everyone happy!!

  31. STACEY September 13, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    I love you!!!!

  32. Kris September 13, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

    You guys are awesome. Have a glass of vino on me!!

  33. Cathy September 13, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    Fuck the nay-sayers. They don’t really have children and probably still live with their parents. Your blog is hilarious.

  34. Breanne September 14, 2013 at 12:44 am #

    Love. Love. Love!

  35. Me September 14, 2013 at 1:02 am #

    BFF ‘s

  36. Michelle September 14, 2013 at 1:30 am #

    You two are the best and you always make me laugh. I am so glad I know you ❤

  37. JG September 14, 2013 at 1:41 am #

    You tweet?! I still haven’t figured that crap out. I don’t get all the hash tags. Love this blog though. Found it when a friend shared your “back to school” post on Facebook.

  38. Molly September 14, 2013 at 3:15 am #

    I love moms who do not take themselves too seriously and do not throw up all over themselves about how awesome they and their children are! You make my week with every hilarious post!!!!!

  39. Carla September 14, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

    Thanks for allowing me to pee in my pants NOT from sneezing! Your blog is hysterical and will for sure help me take myself less seriously.
    PS the house next door is going on the market. Please buy it and be my neighbor. My wine tower is always full.

  40. Unsie Zuege September 14, 2013 at 12:41 pm #

    Laughing, laughing, laughing. You girls are sooooo fun. Can you come live in my neighborhood? Then I don’t have to drive after wine. I can just stagger home.

  41. Cristni September 14, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    Y’all are fabulous! Keep up the laughs!

  42. Katie September 14, 2013 at 3:48 pm #

    I laughed until I cried! Thanks for the comic relief 🙂

  43. Shelly September 15, 2013 at 12:33 am #

    I’m surrounded by “crafty bitches” who live on Pinterest but have never figured out how/when/where they get the time or motivation. I have lived with inadequate Pinterest mom guilt for some time so was so glad to find your blog and read about other moms who are keepin’ it real! Thank you!

  44. Terri L. Spilman September 15, 2013 at 4:32 am #

    Too funny – thunder jacket. My mother puts one of those things on her dog and we call it the thunder down under jacket. Congratulations on your success! Looking forward to reading more.

  45. Janet September 15, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

    You make my thighs cry in a peeing my pants kinda way. Keep up the good work. After raising 5 kids, I so effing get it.

  46. Kelly Protz September 17, 2013 at 2:38 am #

    I love you guys!!!

  47. Shauna September 17, 2013 at 11:11 am #

    I love you. Really. And not in a creepy way, you know, I’m not spying on you through your kitchen windows or anything. But I love you.

  48. Jo September 19, 2013 at 2:26 am #

    Your pinterest post was the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I was laughing my ass off. Ive got you bookmarked now! I want to be best friends too.

  49. Jenn September 22, 2013 at 5:20 am #

    If I was going to peel myself off the sofa to have drinks with a blogger, you guys would be my first (and frankly only) choice. I’ve forwarded your blog to all my favorite moms. Thanks for the excellent laugh!

  50. Candace Amy Bryan Stovall September 23, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

    I posted to share your blog…Sorry, still recovering from opening day of Oktoberfest…Munchen…I even shared w/ my wonderful friend that crashed Pinterest last week. Trust me, she’ll LOVE you! My only regret is that I didn’t discover you 3 years ago, when we arrived overseas…good news…headed stateside soon(we hope), so I will have ample opportunity to … I dunno…I have to get up @ 6:00am to feed my kids & send them to school 😀

  51. Linda September 30, 2013 at 1:48 pm #

    If you girls are always this funny then I have no idea how it took you so long to be “discovered”. I shared that Pinterest post to everyone I knew…if people cannot take a joke (a joke based in reality) then too bad!! Post on and PLEASE know that you made me laugh hysterically on a REALLY SUCKY DAY with your lice post this morning! Hilarious and eerily on target (just wish I had something like that to read 10 years ago when my 5 year old (and I) had lice for weeks on end. I did get the alcohol part right (my poison of choice was an entire baseball bat of beer we got as a gag gift that Christmas).

    Keep ’em coming!!

  52. staci October 1, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

    Fuck YEAH!!!! I so needed this today 🙂 And tomorrow, I’m sure. Happy to have found you!

  53. Jen at PIWTPITT.com October 2, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

    You bitches still crack my shit up, but my name is People I Want to Punch in the THROAT. Sheesh. Can’t wait to read what else you’ve got.

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