Um. We have a virus, bitches.

There once were two sisters who lived in a small town near Boston (more like Cape Cod, but I’m not sure if our new readers in Zimbabwe know where “the Cape” is).

The Bitchin Sisters

One of our new readers. If you think you’re crafty, this bitch can thread a necklace faster than you can say “kindly put a bra on.”

One day, these sisters decided to write a facetious article about how badly they suck at Pinterest crafts, back-to-school preparedness, the art of getting your shit together and basically all things Motherhood. The post was meant to be totally inspiring self-deprecating, deadly serious not at all serious and poignant completely unmoving.

They published said post and were all <shrug,> “No big deal. We have published eleventy billion posts and we’ve only had like 1000 views total and 999 of them were mom.”

After a few short hours, the blog post approached 65,000 views and Sister 1 called Sister 2:

Sister 1: “Oh my effing God. I think we just went viral.”

“Where’s my damn thunder vest?!”

Sister 2: “Awesome. No, wait. Gross. What the fuck does that mean? Talk to me like I’m in Kindergarten. Is that like HPV for computers?”

“Bitch, please. Settle down. Are you wearing your thunder vest?”

Sister 1: “We have like a bazilly hits and comments on our blog And I don’t think they’re all mom this time.”

Sister 2: <Screams and runs into a wall.>

Sister 1: “How do you tweet? I feel like we should be tweeting.”

Sister 2: “What’s twatting? You’re seriously asking me this question? I have no idea.”

Sister 1: “We suck at this.”

Sister 2: “We sure do. Let’s drink wine and Google it. How do you Google something?”

Sister 1: “Helpful. You realize that one of us needs to make a sex tape now, right?”

Sister 2: “I vote you.”

And for the next week, they learned how to twat and they watched the blog reach 1 million views and receive 600 plus comments, including ones like:

Sandy from De Moines, Iowa: “I love you! Be my best friends. Let’s make out. Hold me.”

Bitchin Sisters: “We love you too, Sandy!”

Us and our readers like Sandy. “Hell yeah! We got this whole motherhood thing.”

And then Angryman from Nowhereville jumped out of his ivory tower, wearing a parachute made of his children’s hair and was all: “You suck. So does your blog. I hate your face. And now, I shall douse you with gasoline.”

Bitchin Sisters: “Neat. Excuse us while we back a car over ourselves, Dude who takes himself way too seriously.”

“I’m unreasonably Angryman from Nowhereville! Rawr!”

And so on and so forth.

And then People I want to Punch in the Face posted our article and so did the Huffington Post Canada. And we were all:

Yup. That’s us. Swear to God.

But really more like:

Ab-effing-Fab.

And then HuffPost New York got in touch and asked us to write something and Sister 1 swallowed her tongue, passed out and peed her pants while Sister 2 looked on concerned and confused.

So while we continue to come up with several other ways to make you laugh until you pee (or ruin the lives of mothers and children everywhere according to some (three) readers), please accept our thanks for being awesome.

Until then,

The Bitchin Sisters