My Husband is MIA for DIY

22 Sep

I’m married to a carpenter. He does beautiful work. In other people’s homes.

We’ve lived in our home since 1997. Since then, I have asked him, bribed him, threatened him, cajoled him to fix a few things around the house and to help me maintain day-to-day functions. Like not leaving his huge man things everywhere and not allowing the garage to morph into an episode of Hoarders.

My vision:

I want.

I want.

My reality:

No, we don't need three nonfunctioning lawnmowers and a baker's dozen fly swatters.

No, we don’t need three nonfunctioning lawnmowers and a baker’s dozen fly swatters.

I went out and bought a docking station to tame those pesky wires and um, Sharpies.

Aaaand he turned it into a wire gang bang.

And he turned it into a wire gang bang.

One day, it started to rain. And then this happened. It was 2003.

No. I don't see Jesus's face. Fix the fucking ceiling.

No. I don’t see Jesus’s face. Fix the fucking ceiling. Love you.

It remains like that to this very day.

In an effort to streamline the bajilly pieces of paper that enter our home daily (seriously, it’s 2013, people…would it kill you to save a tree?) I went to Home Goods and picked-up like fourteen baskets to put shit in. I asked the hubs to start putting the mail in files.

My vision:

Serenity now.

Serenity now.

Nailed it:

Now that's what I call a filing system. Call Martha Stewart.

Now that’s what I call a filing system. Call Martha Stewart.

My vision:

A beautiful beachy chic mantle.

A beautiful beachy chic mantle.

I tell you what. Nothing says elegant coastal living like this big, yellow fuck off wire draped across your mantle.

A little to the left...

Nailed it.

I even told him that I saw on Dr. Oz that leaving your kids’ toothbrushes next to the sink can cause malaria.

It's like the man has no fear.

It’s like the man has no fear.

I admit. I like pretty things. So do you. Sure, it’s not always rationale or functionally necessary to have an antique decantur next to the baby food, but it makes me happy to create a beautiful home. Regardless of the amount of lead paint in an heirloom.

Yup. That goes there.

Yup. Those go right there.

He took down all of our closets to “add space.” Now, we have nowhere to keep the vacuum.

What if someone suddenly drops a cookie. What if?!

What if someone suddenly drops a cookie. What if?!

Or our clothes.

So when I said walk-in closet, I didn't mean for you to construct a huge fucking rack. In the middle of our bedroom.

So when I said walk-in closet, I didn’t mean for you to construct a huge fucking rack. In the middle of our bedroom.

My vision:

Too much to ask?

Too much to ask?

We like it Dr. Seuss style I guess.

We like it Dr. Seuss style I guess.

I’ve even tried reverse psychology. “Who needs mirrors? Mirrors are for vain people. Don’t hang those mirrors. Ever.”

If you don't mind, I'd really rather imagine how many more wrinkles I have this morning.

If you don’t mind, I’d really rather imagine how many more wrinkles I have this morning.

Oh look! There I am. Nope.

Oh look! There I am again. Nope.

I even promised extremely kinky sex to slap a fixture on this bad boy. We moved here sixteen years ago.

I even promised extremely kinky sex to slap a fixture on this bad boy. We moved here sixteen years ago.

So I played hardball and gutted the bathroom while he was at work. Last May.

Um, sorry?

He called my bluff.

It’s all fun and games until you see your house in the daylight. Sober.

No husbands were harmed in the making of this blog post.

12 Responses to “My Husband is MIA for DIY”

  1. Sue September 22, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

    Oh, Lord. If I find out my husband has a 2nd family at the Cape, I’m gonna kill him… Let’s see… the addition he built 10 years ago still has a plywood floor. We actually have plastered, dry wall as of 5 years ago in said addition. The “new” Pella window is still not stained and still has no trim. Neither does the “new” window in our bedroom, for about the same amount of years. I did not offer kinky sex as a bribe… and maybe that’s why he moved out about 2 months ago.

  2. Laura September 22, 2013 at 7:41 pm #

    You are singing my song. My garage looks just like yours – except when you open the garage, the light that’s supposed to switch on automatically so you don’t kill yourself tripping on all the crap has been broken for three years. I must venture to my car in the early morning darkness using a flashlight. We have a towel bar that’s been laying on the bathroom floor for six months – fell off, would probably take him 6 minutes to fix, but – whatever. Front door swells in the heat every summer, must use a crowbar to pop it open…since 2007.

    You have a new dedicated reader. Props for gutting the bathroom yourself. God bless. I understand.

  3. Ted September 22, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

    The poor guy’s busting his butt all day doing carpentry and when he comes home you ask him to do some more. It’s like being married to a porn star (minus the rock’n mustache) and expecting sex when he gets home, he just isn’t in the mood.

    • Lori in Suburbia September 23, 2013 at 12:48 am #

      Tired’ is he? Then perhaps he should pay another carpenter to do the work so he can relax and still rescue his family from what looks like an episode of Home Remodeling Don’ts. He seems to have a follow through problem. He can seek help for that.

      • Laura September 23, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

        This is the carpenter’s wife dilemma. He won’t do it, won’t let anyone else in the house to do it, either.

  4. michelle September 22, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

    That is my house too! I am finally getting it painted inside, I hired someone.

  5. Danielle September 23, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

    Oh Lord! Sometimes I do stuff like guy the bathroom or do some other chore or DIY task – I put so much anger into it that I feel like they must be using reverse psychology on us. It’s like they know we will do it anyway and that we can harness our anger energy and end up doing a great job – but feel like a lunatic!!!

  6. MishkaOP September 24, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

    Oh my gosh, I loved this post…you made me giggle and that was so needed! I am not a carpenter, but I am a DIYer and I have to admit I have several projects that I have all the supplies for and have just not knocked out, mostly because I get sucked into the boobtube. Most of these supplies live in our garage right now where there would never be space to park a car…LOL. I do have a blog that I maintain just for the house, because while I am a huge procrastinator, I am also a To Do list checkmark freak and the blog gives me a way to pat myself on the back when I do get something accomplished. After seeing this post, I think I need to get something done today so I can get a checkmark!

  7. Brittany September 25, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    This is Awesome…About a week ago while my husband was on his boat I got one of my brilliant “I am woman hear me roar/I don’t feel like waiting on him anymore to do it” moments and ripped my bathroom cabinets out…needless to say when he got home and saw me youtubing how to use a Skillsaw, he LOL for several minutes and asked what was for dinner…this is my life and its ok…Thank you for helping my dysfunctional household feel normal!!!

  8. Nanz De Caires October 1, 2013 at 1:37 am #

    you are hilarious!! thanks for making me smile today…

  9. Jennifer Walk October 1, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    I am laughing so hard that I can’t breathe. My ribs hurt, tears are running down my face and I’m pretty sure the dog is trying to dial 9-1-1. We live in the same house. My spice cabinet hasn’t had a door for over a year. We have been sweeping up chunks of our living room ceiling for 7 years now. My husband builds nuclear reactors, but can’t be bothered to put a cabinet door on.

  10. Charlotte Dye October 1, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

    I am reading this at the car repair shop while my tire is changed. I am laughing so loud people are looking at me like I am crazy! I have the same problem – lots of projects started but none of them finished. But, I have the additional problem of having a total neat freak for a husband. So he nags me to keep things uncluttered but will NOT take me “reminding” him of the unfinished projects. We separated about 8 months ago and I am happily living in a half-finished house, but without the nagging.

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