Lice is a four letter word.

28 Sep

Mother effer. My daughter has lice. Let me rephrase that. My daughter came home with lice two weeks ago. For the first three days, I treated the shit out of her hair…sanitized, vacuumized, circumcised and alchemized my entire house and chalked it up as a Rite of Passage. I thought we were in the clear and turned my attention back to more important things like Halloween costumes and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

And then a week later she was all, “Mumma, my head is itchy again…”

And I was all:

Oh fuck.

“Oh fizzuck.”

Then my head started to itch too. But, I laughed and said to myself “silly woman, lice don’t like Brazilian blow outs and majorly expensive hair coloring processes. They prey on children, exclusively. You’re fine. It’s prolly just dry scalp.”

But my friend came over and checked me and she was all:

"You're so screwed."

“Dude. Youse fizzucked.”

And so ensued my war on lice. We all know that lice has a stigma. You think it just happens to poor people with poor hygiene. Nope. Let me tell you something. It can happen to anyone. But people don’t talk about it. So rather than keep this information under my do rag (we’ll get to that) and at the risk of losing every single one of my friends, I’ve decided to tell the world so that I can help you bitches prevent, treat and put a stop to these tiny, indestructible little assholes.

"Hi. Me, my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa came to fuck up your life indefintely and ostracize you from society. Got any tea tree oil we can drink?"

“Hi, I’m a baby lice and I’m a total dick. Me, my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa came to fuck up your life indefinitely and ostracize you from society. Got any tea tree oil we can drink?”

WAR ON LICE INSTRUCTIONS:

Step 1: Burn your house down. Okay, so that sounds a bit rash but you’re going to think this is a viable and rationale solution on or before Day 17.

In all seriousness, if you can afford a professional lice expert, do it. Lice is a miserable, soul crushing experience and there is a steep learning curve. So if you’re a baller, skip to item #3 on the “Things You Will Need List,” call an expert, kick your feet up and keep counting your dollah dollah bills, y’all. If not, proceed to the information below:

Trust me when I tell you that I would open mouth kiss this lady if she came into my home right now. UV binoculars and all.

Trust me when I tell you that I would open mouth kiss this lady if she came into my home right now. UV binoculars and all. And I want that chandelier in the background.

Things You Will Need:

Get the following at Amazon and the liquor store or anywhere they sell War on Lice shit. Links attached. You’re welcome:

1.) Nix (or Rid). Don’t get the generic stuff, it doesn’t work. And when your mom tells you to mix bleach, ammonia and Listerine, kindly remind her that that is called a Molotov cocktail and tell her that you have to go because Dr. Oz is on.

text

“Ya know, when I had the lice as a kid, my mother sprayed me with a firehose, soaked my hair in cod liver oil, wrapped my head in cellophane and sent me to school.”

2.)  A good friend. Your husband will be about as useful during this shitshow as he was while planning your wedding. Go ahead and say that your husband helped plan your wedding and I’ll punch you in the mouth. You’ll need a friend (preferably one that can see) to help find the microscopic nits that are the exact color of your child’s hair while you’re crying in the bathtub, wearing a do rag, listening to Joni Mitchell with a bottle of Pinot Grigio in one hand and waving a gun around in the other. Because you too have ‘the lice.’

3.) A bottle of wine. (Natch.) See #2 for further detail.

4.) Mild shampoo. Baby shampoo is fine. Don’t get one with conditioner in it. Lice love conditioner and will just do the back stroke and read your cosmopolitan magazine while you essentially give them a massage with a happy ending in said conditioner. Dry those fuckers out. Make them bleed their own blood. And some of yours.

Seriously.

Seriously.

5.) Olive Oil.

6.) Tea Tree Oil. This stuff smells like pure gasoline. The lice hate it.

7.) A metal tooth lice comb. Get a few of these. Your husband can help you. BWAHAHAHAHA. The plastic ones that come with most kits are rubbish. Toss em.

8.) A magnifying glass.

9.) New hair elastics and clips.

10.) A parting comb.

11.) A hooker. Just kidding. Wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention.

12.) A do rag. Get one for each member of the family that has lice. And no, it won’t be your husband. Because God made it so that lice doesn’t like men’s hair…including their pubes…which I may have prayed for once or twice during this catastrophe.

You think I'm kidding. I have never been more serious in my life when I tell you that these have been a life saver. Shower caps are so uncomfortable and my daughter wouldn't keep her's on. She's straight up Outkast in one of these.

H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A                        Fo’ shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA

You think I’m kidding. I have never been more serious in my life when I tell you that these have been a life saver. Shower caps are so uncomfortable and my daughter wouldn’t keep her’s on. She’s straight up Outkast in one of these. I have been wearing one to bed too. It helps suffocate the lice and keep the hair off your child’s face while she has the Molotov Cocktail rinse in her hair. See step 3.

13.) Isopropyl Alcohol. Not the kind that you drink. And don’t get confused in the heat of the moment.

14.) Disposable Tupperware and paper towels.

15.) Electronic Robi Comb Lice Killer from Outer space

16.) Lice preventative shampoo. For your entire household to use for the rest of your natural lives.

Step 2: The first night or Day Zero Dark You’re Fucked

You need to apply the treatment to dry or damp hair. Follow the instructions on the box. After you’ve combed through the hair thoroughly to get rid of the actual bugs, nits and their suitcases, do it again. You weren’t thorough enough. There are a few bugs that you’ve missed, and they’re high-fiving and mocking you right now. Dicks.

I feel itchy.

“I feel itchy.”

Note: Make sure you wipe the comb after each swipe through the hair on a paper towel soaked in rubbing alcohol. Periodically run the comb under hot water.

Also, on Day Zero Dark You’re Fucked, you also need to strip beds, sanitize linens and spray furniture, beds and cars with the Rid spray. Throw away hair ties, ribbons, bows and head bands. Wash hats and soak helmets in hot water and vinegar. Put those expensive throw pillows shaped like a peacock that you just had to have in the dryer on high for twenty minutes. And then punch yourself in the face for buying them. Purely decorative.

Step 3: Baby shampoo with tea tree oil

After the treatment and combing, put a few drops of tea tree oil in the baby shampoo. I know. Up until now, you haven’t so much as fed your child anything but grass-fed, organic, Monsanto free food. You wash her hair with green products and only clean your home with Shaklee. Well, shit’s about to get real, my friend. Now, you’re basically poisoning her. You may as well start serving Chef Boyardee and Cheez Whiz. I won’t tell anyone. Mix the concoction and apply liberally to head. Comb, braid tightly and put the do rag on that little G. Good night.

Step 4: Repeat

Rinse the hair first thing in the morning. Comb, comb, comb. Reapply shampoo with tea tree oil, braid and put the rinsed out do rag back on. Leave this on for about eight hours. Rinse, comb and let dry.

At this point, your husband has moved into the basement, your own hair is falling out in clumps and your child is permanently scarred.

Mommy's just a little overwhelmed at the moment, dear.

“Mommy’s just a little overwhelmed at the moment, dear.”

Step 5: Robi comb and olive oil with tea tree oil

Now you’re weeping and wondering which Pope you put through a woodchipper in a former life. Once the hair is dry, section off and carefully run the robi comb through the hair. You’ll hear a beeping sound when it hits a nit. Stop and remove the nit and finish combing hair thoroughly. Apply olive oil with tea tree oil liberally, braid and slap that do rag back on. Put your mini Tupac Shakur to bed and go watch Bravo. You deserve it.

Repeat the olive oil with tea tree oil for the following two nights. It creates a hostile environment and suffocates those little shits. Also wash pillowcases, shirts and sheets daily. Lice can’t live away from the hair for more than a few hours, but it’s important to be aggressive.

Things you need to understand about lice:

Lifecycle of lice.

Life-cycle of lice.

Translation. The females are whores and can lay several eggs a day. They can also move very quickly in hair and go up and down the shaft at lightening speed. <That’s what she said.>

The eggs, or nits, can withstand a nuclear holocaust. Don’t assume that the noxious chemicals that have easily eradicated all plant life, the family dog and almost every other living being in your home is going to get rid of head lice too. You need to follow all of the steps.

There are like eleven life cycles of lice. Be vigilant. Don’t assume lice is gone, even if there aren’t visible nits. You need to comb and check, rinse and repeat for six weeks.

Much like Teresa Giudice, ‘the lice’ were put on this earth to test our patience, steal our souls and remind us that we are more intelligent than they are.

Godspeed, bitches. Give em hell.

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193 Responses to “Lice is a four letter word.”

  1. Brooke September 28, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    Beyond hilarious. However, please tell me you aren’t serious about this process?!?!

    • LYNN September 28, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

      oh no…. it is REAL and THAT is why once it happens in a school it is almost impossible to get rid of!!!!!!!!! not everyone goes the whole 9 yards with the bedding, stuffed animals etc

      • Linda October 1, 2013 at 3:25 am #

        we have removed all stuffed toys from bedrooms, washed them and put them away to be stuffed into bean bags at a later date. Vigilantly treated, combed, retreated, recombed every second day for 2 weeks during school holiday. House is like a laundramat with pillow cases and clothes washed daily. As soon as we see one kid scratching they are rechecked and the whole family retreated. Like you said, you think you have got them all but one takes one to go un-noticed 😦

    • emily September 30, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

      I got lice when I was teaching. It was awful. I bought the ROBI Comb and it is a LIFE SAVER!! Every morning and evening for a month I used that little sucker and got rid of them. Now everytime my head itches, I pull that sucker out and zap anything that might be hanging out… my head itches, I gott ROBI.

    • bambie September 30, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

      oh laughing my fucking ass off. # 3 is the first step. quit bullshitting.

    • shellena September 30, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

      Oil and vinegar work as well as anything out there. The oil slows them down and the vinegar kills them. soak your hair in this solution and put on a shower cap or wrap with plastic wrap leave on over night and they will be dead as a doornail! :-).

      • Carmen Wileman September 30, 2013 at 11:02 pm #

        hahahahaha….and call yourself a salad………..hahahahahahahahaha

      • Tracy October 2, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

        bullshit

    • lisa October 2, 2013 at 3:59 am #

      I almost fell to my knees when I found out my daughter had lice. I called in my girlfriends to pick my head, I was picking my daughter’s head, doing laundry and my husband had the nerve to ask “what’s for dinner?” So I called in the Picker and spent $400.00 to relieve my eyes and tears.

      • Alice October 3, 2013 at 12:30 am #

        Now that’s funny “what’s for dinner” So innocent and clueless.

    • Laura October 2, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

      Brooke, unfortunately, this is the realest thing ever. And once you’ve been through it, you will know how 100% scarily accurate it is, and this is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read. Because of how dead on true it is! I said & thought some of these exact things she says in here when we went through it .

    • Cindy Renie October 2, 2013 at 9:10 pm #

      ithcy bitchy serious…she is. my 12 year old is a lice magnet!

  2. Jennifer Van Doren Hughes September 28, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

    Oh holy mother of f*ck we are doing this RIGHT NOW.

    In my experience the Rid doesn’t do sh*t. Comb, comb, comb, comb, comb.

    We did the Step #2 – but instead of running the comb through rubbing alcohol after each swipe, it went into an I-am-not-kidding pot of boiling water. Then rinsed in cold (so we don’t burn our offspring) and wiped on a new tissue (new one each time people!! ) THIS IS AFTER EACH COMB.

    I am surely traumatizing the 3-year-old chasing him down to rake the lice comb through his hair.

    Every morning, everyone’s bedding is in the dryer for 45 min. And there is even more bedding than normal because me and the Mister are not sleeping with each other because we are so grossed out by each other’s lice.

    Kill me now.

    • Melissa September 30, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

      Use vinegar instead of boiling water, kills them instantly. You can use coconut oil too overnight.

    • Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting October 2, 2013 at 3:05 am #

      We had a bad experience several years ago not being able to get rid of them with Rid and all that expensive crap. We noted the internet highly recommended Suave Coconut Shampoo and Tea Tree Oil, so we washed with both S&C of the Sauve, sprayed tea tree oil around the house, and fried these fuckers using a flat iron twice daily. We didn’t wash/dry our pillows or bedding, because, as the author said, they don’t live long off the host anyway. We didn’t go crazy, we just treated ourselves with heat, Suave, and TTO. We haven’t had a reoccurrence since. 🙂

  3. Alyson September 28, 2013 at 6:17 pm #

    Omg I just peed my pants, you ladies are freaking hilarious… My new best friends!!!!!!

  4. Carrie September 28, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

    EVERY. WORD. IS. TRUE! Hilarious! Unfortunately I have been through the process 😦

  5. Ruth September 28, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

    OMG, hilarious, and I have soooooooo been there! It was long enough ago that you would think the trauma would have dissipated by now …. but no. It hasn’t. Three kids, one of whom had huge, long, thick, curly hair. It was the worst week of my life, topped off when my washing machine — overloaded with quilts — walked away from the wall, disconnected itself, and flooded my basement. Need I mention that my husband was (of course), travelling? Oy. By the way, I found that a magnifying mirror was the best investment I ever made for this. GOOD LUCK AND YOU ROCK!!!!!

  6. Trissa September 28, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

    Too much! You made my year with this!

  7. Trissa September 28, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

    Forgot to add I almost shaved both my kids head and mine. Now have PTSD from lice, it IS a four letter word!

  8. Michelle September 28, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

    We just got a lice notice yesterday. A couple years back we BATTLED the lice assholes for 8 months – yes, I said 8 months. I threw out all our bedding, got rid of every stuffed animal within a mile, chopped my youngest daughter’s hair Mommy Dearest style, and the fuckers still came back. Finally paid some granola head about a grand to comb all the bastards out with some magical holistic goo, and they’ve never been back, and that was about two years and a hundred outbreaks ago. After you get rid of them, try Fairy Tales products, they seem to help and aren’t full of that dreaded tea tree oil. I’m not Fairy Tales pusher, just another mom who almost had to start popping Prozac because of “the Lice.” They owned my ass for 8 months. It was war.

    • SherLyn September 30, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

      I’ve felt your pain!!! I went through it and I had only my lil’ girl with long, long thick hair, her hair was passed her butt and I could NOT bring myself to cut it!! We, the lice and I, went at it for about 4 1/2 months!
      It was only through constant combing and sanitizing the house that gave me the victory at last!!
      This was a good article and I had a really good laugh because I have been through the emotional and physical roller coaster too!!
      LOL!!

  9. chelebeee September 28, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

    Our school nurse told us that lice LOVE clean hair. As of that day, I have only made my kids wash their hair every second or third night, and we’ve never had lice even through my always-has-lice niece’s visit.

    • greenmama September 30, 2013 at 2:21 am #

      yup – once a week and it took us 4 years before we got lice. they don’t like dirty hair.

  10. Maureen Heim September 28, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

    Lets hope and pray there is no outbreak this year!!!

    Sent from my iPad

  11. Shannon September 28, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

    Been there. I for real could add “Professional Nit-Picker” to my resume. must haves: metal nit comb, good light, lots of good DVDs or Netflix. Comb, comb, comb. Forever. and then a few days after that.

  12. LYNN September 28, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    OMG AMEN sister- went through 6 weeks of this (about 4 weeks was only hysteria-induced… no real lice) 5 years ago…. I was THIS CLOSE to shaving my head and both of my girls!!! I was a sniveling blubbering mess. THANK GOD for the LICE LADY who finally gave me peace after checking us and clearing us (not once but twice for good measure) before I could finally sleep at night. LICE SUCK as close to CRAZY as I have EVER BEEN

  13. Anna September 28, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    So funny, and sadly I know much of what you speak of here. And thank gawd husbands are universally unhelpful, because I thought it was just mine who suggested he might like to just “start over with a new clean family” when everyone (including me!) got it except him.

  14. OutsideKMA September 29, 2013 at 12:17 am #

    Girl. We’ve been there – me, my daughter & son. Just like you said: It was hellish, horrific, tedious and expensive. If there ever is a next time (so help me…), will add the do rag and a Robi comb to the mix. Going to force my husband to wield the nit comb, too. May you & your family forever be louse free.

  15. Katie clooney September 29, 2013 at 12:24 am #

    You can even make the subject of lice funny… You’re the best.

  16. monicasagaser September 29, 2013 at 1:00 am #

    Very good advice, however please avoid the RID and other similar products. They do not kill all the lice and are pretty lame. After being through this three times (yes!) I noted, and the experts stated, that the only way to get rid of the evil critters and their eggs is to COMB THEM OUT. Either by you doing it or an expert if you can afford it. Even if you do one session with the experts, you will learn how to do it. You have to be aggressive and thorough. I suggest keeping your girls’ hair in a ponytail and spraying some kind of minty oil spray on it every day! Usually peppermint, eucalyptus or tea tree infused. Also, you do not need to go hog wild on your house – lice die after 24 hours if not on a human host. Good luck to you!

    • Michelle September 29, 2013 at 1:27 am #

      I totally agree with the natural approach. I used RID, QuitNit, and any other chemical I could legally get my hands on. My kids practically glowed neon green from all of it – and yet the lice came back. They’re immune to all that stuff. The only thing that worked was the Lice Guru combing through my kids’ hair (I have two girls with waist-length hair — well, one’s now got a bob per my Mommy Dearest moment) and Guru used some mint conditioner concoction she’d made up, then followed up about 10 days later. I’d mortgage my house to have her do it again should we ever get stricken by the lice. My poor kids turn into trembling messes when they have to bring a notice home, and I turn into Gollum looking for my precious. Evil evil evil little creatures from hell.

      • Deonna September 30, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

        Michelle, your last two sentences nearly got me in trouble with the boss! Laughing so hard.

    • aideen the little fyre September 30, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

      Been through a round of it a year or so back when a kid in my daughter’s class got it and never got rid of it fully so every time I would clear my house, it would come back. Trust me.. it was only hot water and bleach and lysol on Every. Single. Surface and cloth item in my home, and much combing and shampooing that did it. I also found, (shoot me now) that flea shampoo has the exact same ingredients in it as the lice shampoo and costs far less.

      • Judy Manning October 1, 2013 at 12:01 am #

        Used the flea shampoo on the grandchildren and it works better than the junk from the drugstore.

  17. Michelle September 29, 2013 at 2:29 am #

    Omg it so sucks to have this happen. It sounds like they have some new things to use since I had to do this. About 12yrs ago. I wish you good luck and kill those suckers!

  18. Janet Reinhoffer September 29, 2013 at 3:27 am #

    Sick…just sick that you all don’t live by me and drink with me and be ladies in waiting to help just in case anyone in my family has a party with these mother offers on their scalp. Thanks for making my day…and the day of all my cool friends that I forward it to.

    • Janet Reinhoffer September 29, 2013 at 3:28 am #

      just to be clear…they are mother Effers…I would never accept any offer from them;)

  19. Mary September 29, 2013 at 5:16 am #

    My 3 kids and myself, excluding my husband,have been going through this for 12 days. I want to use the baby shamp& ttoil, but after the 1st 8 hour night u wake up rinse& comb-then repeat later that night ?b/c my girls are in school all day. Also
    What’s the olive oil /tea tree oil ratio?and are u slathering that liberally onto their head or just a thin covering? Thank u!!!! I just want it to end.

    • mas1mama September 30, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

      Your kids should not be in school if they still have ANY lice!! They need to be clear before returning!!

      • tevis October 2, 2013 at 2:17 am #

        Sad to say not in Texas anymore. I kept my daughter out of school and was told “We will excuse it this time”. Are you kidding me? I just went through hell and no parent was notified in her class. I called the parents I knew in class. Look up what Pediatric Association now says and it will piss you off. We will fight this all year because no notification to class. “HEY CHECK YOUR KIDS HEAD” We have only been in school 4 weeks…. OMG…. so tired….

    • Kelly McIlwaine October 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

      2oz olive oil and 20 drops of tea tree oil. Worked like a charm! We massaged it in the scalp and hair and left it overnight (sleeping on a towl). I sanitized everything, including stuffies that hadn’t seen the light of day for months. Then, I combed every night before bed and after a week, we seem to be clear (yeah right…i’m just waiting).
      btw, you ladies are hilarious! This is my first time, being a lice virgin myself, and it was not fun. Thanks for making me laugh! I needed it! Any idea why husbands aren’t affected and so useless? (I actually called my hairstylist because I didn’t trust my husband when he said I was clear; I heard laughter in the background on the phone…).

  20. Staci September 29, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

    I got itchy just reading this

  21. Kari September 29, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

    Just out of curiosity, what is everyone’s problem with tea tree oil? It has tons of helpful uses and is natural. What type are you buying?

    • lyn September 30, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      I know right? Tea Tree essential oil is the bomb and does SO much good stuff for you. Seriously, people need to do their research.

    • Pam October 2, 2013 at 4:34 am #

      Tea tree oil is toxic, it’s poisonous. Just because it is natural, doesn’t make it a good thing. Most drugs are natural, such as opium, digitalis, morning glories, sugarcane.
      Back in the day, turpentine was used for everything, and it comes from pine trees. I have put drops of TTO down ant holes. They either died or moved away.

  22. Katie Gracie September 29, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

    Mayonnaise, kills them all and leaves your hair conditioned. No shit, this works.

    • Claire September 29, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

      We used three brands of mayo and tucked all the kids’ hair in swim caps with zero luck. And RID and olive oil and tea tree oil and I spent days and weeks combing out hair. There is no one magical thing that will work, but vinegar, for whatever reason, made the nits loose enough to comb out easily.

      It’s all about the combing.

      • Megan October 1, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

        Yep, totally agree. All about the combing!!

      • lisa October 2, 2013 at 4:14 am #

        did you soak your head in vinegar?

  23. Claire September 29, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    We did all those steps but used swim caps instead of do rags.

    The most magicalest thing ever? Vinegar. It loosened the nits from the hair and they just combed out easily. Wish I knew about vinegar the first 17 days. Took us 22 days altogether. Suuuuuuucked. Summer of 2010.

    Now I’m itchy.

  24. Carolyn September 29, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

    Sorry you are going through this. Check out the site listed above- products are amazing and sold on Amazon. Plus lots of accurate helpful info:)

  25. mamamartinez September 29, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    Sweet Jesus thank goodness my boys let me buzz them. Nothing cuter than a three year old with a buzz cut!!! They’ll do anything for ice-cream…as for me…well I spent from 8pm until the wee hours of the morning nightly for 2 weeks holed up in the bathroom with my arsenal of WMD and a bottle of wine.

  26. Jennifer September 30, 2013 at 12:02 am #

    OMG the truth always has me laughing!! F’ those bastards, we hired a Professional and it was worth EVERY freaking dollar! I was a bug-a-phobe and the thought of these things on my daughter freaked me out, needless to say, I HAD them too! Husband and son didn’t get them, but I made them load up with the olive oil every night too! One, so they wouldn’t get them and two… well, I’m sure you can guess why! We never used the toxic chemicals, the warnings on it scared me too much! We had to mix Palmolive Dish soap with shampoo to wash the oil out too. Only downside, my kids can’t stand the smell of Olive Oil now and I can’t make dressing with it anymore.

  27. greenmama September 30, 2013 at 2:19 am #

    Licemeister combs rock.
    get them via http://www.lice911.com for house calls in vancouver

  28. greenmama September 30, 2013 at 2:20 am #

    treat yourself with moroccan or argan oil afterwards – mommy style pampering AND the lice can’t hold on 🙂

  29. ksujulie September 30, 2013 at 2:26 am #

    I have not dealt with lice yet. I know my day will come.
    You don’t want to know how many times this post made me scratch my head!! 🙂

  30. Erin September 30, 2013 at 6:03 am #

    Have you ever heard of Lice Knowing You? They are a service that will delouse you and your family and they have a guarantee. No kidding. It is pricey, but it is one initial treatment and then a follow up a week later. Everyone in the house has to be checked to get the guarantee. It worked amazingly. It was so worth the money.

    • LisaMcG October 1, 2013 at 1:15 am #

      Used them, loved them. Took about two years to get over the debt we went into dealing with lice.

  31. kathy schelleng September 30, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    A two time, three kid veteran, and paranoid freak show as a result (you will hear me screaming at my kids in the hat section “Get that off your head!!”). You need some serious light to see these things. I would set up outside in the sun for nit picking or get one of those really bright spot lights for construction sites. Also bought some of those magnifying glasses because I needed two hands. My pediatrician recommended cetaphil soap for slathering the head and wrapping in cellophane at night. That seemed to do the trick for us.

  32. Lisa Nemith September 30, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

    I went thru this several times over the years…first with my son during his elementary school years thanks to his asshole of a father and dumbass lazy ass of a stepmom! Then my sister-in-law let her sister move in and they all had lice which spread over to my household via my daughter…finally 2 yrs ago I banned every single one of those fuckers from coming around my family until they were 6 months lice free and could prove it (needless to say, we don’t talk) I then proceeded to shave my head clean since I didn’t have anyone to help me process my hair. I stocked up on baby shampoo, tea tree oil, and saran wrap (didn’t think of do rags! *facepalm*) After tending to my 9 yr old daughter’s head every single night for a solid month….we have been lice free for 2 yrs now! This process turns you into a total bitch not trusting anyone with kids and leaves you broke for a while….

  33. Sheila September 30, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

    I’ve never had them, but I know that she is entirely serious AND correct. My cousin had them and she said she wouldn’t wish them on Hitler. That’s how bad they are.

  34. Alyson September 30, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

    Holy hell, this post activated my PTSD. I was lice’s bitch this entire summer and Sklice seems to have killed infestation #4 for good. I tried to treat my girls myself and pay someone to nitpick me, that didn’t work. When it came back, I tried to pay someone hundreds and hundreds of dollars to nitpick all three of us. Didn’t work. When it came back AGAIN, I seriously had a nervous breakdown and called the doctor for “the good stuff”. Instead of the super toxic Malathion I was expecting, the doctor prescribed us Sklice. It’s not a pesticide, it’s an anti parasitic – the cream version of something they’ve been giving in pill form forever. It’s a desiccant, and dries those little bitches out. It’s crazy expensive w/out insurance, but ours got the cost down to $60 a tube. One application AND it dries out the nits. They say you don’t have to comb out afterwards, but I totally did anyway… every day for a week. So far, so good.

  35. Jo Ann Simko September 30, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    I used a flea comb..oh hell yeah..it had the same width as that cheap ass Rid comb and it was metal when the plague hit my home 3 years ago. I basically did everything on the damn list..loved #2..I did that except drink wine and shoot the damn gun. I didn’t have either..I cursed like a sailor while sobbing my eyes out in the friggin tub. I had never had lice myself until my darlin’ offspring decided to share what he got from school..I was a psycho..clean machine too. (I’m not usually) and yes, the hubs are not at all helpful. Not one damn bit.

  36. Stacy September 30, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

    I’ve gone through this too. I mix tea tree with coconut oil and a few drops of lavender and eucalyptus as well and leave on head in lieu of the shampoo. I do however add tea tree oil to the family’s shampoo and conditioner bottles to keep the rest of the family from being infested.

  37. Heather September 30, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    omg been there, done that, thankfully not to this extent! This just made my day! love it 🙂

  38. Stephen Buchanan September 30, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    I have 5 boys ages 1.5 – 11. My wife has always said that if we ever get lice, every single one of them (and me) is getting their head shaved. After reading this, there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that we will be on the way to the barber within minutes. EEEEEWWWWW.

  39. Dawn September 30, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    Two years. Yes, I said two, motherfucking, years. My daughter has thick, waist length, spiral curly hair. No matter how vigilant I was (I’m talking daily comb throughs, Robi comb, Rid, the whole shebang) someone else must’ve been letting their kid go. The boy got a whiffle any time he got them and they’d be gone. Every time I thought the girl was done those little fuckers came back. Luckily I never got them. Finally this past spring after yet another outbreak I called the doctor. They have a prescription lice killer. It smells like turpentine, it made my daughter and I both cry, those little assholes are finally gone. We moved. The End.

    • lyn September 30, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

      Dawn you had them, even if you don’t want to admit it. AS soon as your kid gets them, you do too once you hug your kid or let her lay on your shoulder, or sit on the couch next to her. Had you accepted that fact and treated yourself, as well as the rest of your family and informed ALL her friends and family members who had contact with her, you would have gotten rid of them a lot faster.

      IT sucks, and you have to treat your whole house, as well as use Tea tree oil to prevent and repeal them.

    • Danielle October 2, 2013 at 12:55 am #

      MY daughter has curly hair and I am so scared about lice. But I heard there is a pill you can just take. Can’t comb her hair.

  40. Angela September 30, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

    Too funny!!!! We are in week 2 of our first lice experience. My hubby and son shaved their heads. Lucky bastards. My one daughter has short, thick brown hair and the other thin, shoulder lenght blond hair. I have thick, short dark hair. Our lives have been pure hell for 2 weeks. It has consisted of nightly nit checks (great family bonding moment…not) and daily hot drying of pillows and washing of bedding. I am tired of doing laundry, tired of that little comb and tired of lice. So far we have been nit and lice free for 3 days and I hope that we stay that way. Our doc said that they hate the smell of coconut amd love the smell of cherry and strawberry scented shampoos. My family now smells like a big batch of pina coladas.

  41. Diane September 30, 2013 at 2:11 pm #

    I have 2 girls. One who is 12 with dark thick hair and a 3 year ok with very light brown hair. This is a nightmare. They both had lice and my back was broken after picking thru their hair all damn day for weeks! Not to mention all the extra laundry! After no success with the 2 processes of nix the pediatrician prescribes “sklice”. They recommend after using sklice, to get a spray bottle and fill it with half water/half vinegar. And soak their hair in it over night. It’s suppose to loosen any nits to comb out easier. They also suggested to flat iron the hair! It’s kinda nasty but you actually hear a pop or a snap when going over any nits! Ughhhhh I’m getting all itchy now. I use tea tree oil shampoo/conditioner in their hair all the time.

  42. Dana Speakmon September 30, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

    Just a couple things…. If you have a girl and she has long hair it is essential you train her not to let other people play with her hair at school.
    Speaking of school … that is most likely where they got lice…. all coats and hats go in a garbage bag and are hung up at school never just on the rack next to other lice ridden coats and hats.
    Hairspray will become your child’s best friend. Spray your child’s hair every day before they leave the house… lice do not like hairspray.
    Rid or Nix both work fine but need to be repeated 14 days later. ALL members of the household must get their hair treated. All bedding must be washed in hot water and all beds and other furniture must be sprayed with pesticide…. also repeated in 14 days.
    That’s it… if you are vigilant this will take care of it.
    OH an Tupperware is NOT disposable… Gladware & rubbermade are disposable…Tupperware has a lifetime warranty.

  43. Dorothy September 30, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    There is some kind of new spray out. You spray it in their dry hair, comb their hair and just leave that crap in their. It seemed to work pretty good, we got the dreaded stuff this past summer when the neighbor girl got it and her mommy sent her down to play with my kids, knowing she had lice! I will repeat that, that damn woman knew she had lice and still sent her to play with my kids!! So after freaking out and washing bedding for 4 kids and me and DH and vacuuming the hell out of my house and cleaning like everything (I am now certifiably crazy, and the kids are traumatized) But we are done with it, and that little girl don’t come no where near my house.

  44. Krissa September 30, 2013 at 2:29 pm #

    The very first time I had to deal with lice, my mom told me there was only one way to be rid of them.
    1: shave one side of head.
    2: light the side with hair on fire
    3: wait patiently while lice run to shaved side of head
    4: stab lice with ice- pick

    Thank goodness she didn’t learn this method before I left home!!

    Been here with all of you ladies. Used all of these tricks except paying for a professional.

    P.S.- never trust your husband to check your own head! Find a mother. Any age..doesn’t matter. Just pick one off the street. She knows your pain and will be meticulous.

  45. Dorothy September 30, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

    Oh, and since some of you are mentioning it… I now make my girls blow dry their hair every night and flat iron every morning. Hairspray and a real tight ponytail (the pony tail really don’t do anything, but it makes it harder for the bugs to crawl all the way to their scalp.)

  46. Katie September 30, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

    I have dealt with lice in my home, and all I have to say is Lice MD is awesome. I will never use anything else.

  47. Becca September 30, 2013 at 2:35 pm #

    OMG we did this over and over and over. The damn neighbor kid kept bringing the damn things back because her mother sucks at life and let her kid treat her own hair. We found that after a small fortune in products, Fairy Tales worked best for us. The shampoo, conditioner, spray and treatment seemed to kick the nasty things. I even resorted to treating the damn neighbor kid’s head too. I was honesty ready to pack up, move, and burn the damn house down. Of course my child has enough damn hair for an army of bald men, each treatment took SEVERAL hours. Throw in the fact that she is so tender headed you want to kill her and my husband was TOTALLY USELESS in this whole process, Im pretty sure I kept the liquor store in business for a while.

  48. Tina September 30, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    Freakin Awesome! They surely are dirty little bastards but this made my day! So easier to cope knowing others feel the same way… short of starting all of our hair on fire to burn the lil bastards… I tell ya! hahaha… just love this!

  49. Beverly Eubanks Judd Ʊ September 30, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    I slayed the demons from hell repeatedly for 3 months before I finally figured out where they were coming from. My daughter had hair below her ass. It was the 5th circle of hell nit combing it every single day after treatments. I found that the de- lousing creme rinse worked best. It made it much easier to comb through. After ridding her head and the house for the 3rd time in as many months, I was sitting in the bleachers at her ballgame watching her put on a batting helmet when the realization hit me. I jumped up, screamed like the lice slayer I had become, scared the shit out of spectators for miles, then promptly went and bought her a helmet of her very own. I kept it on my lap until she was up to bat for the duration of the season. We never had another creepy crawly nor did she ever play ball again. Her choice, not mine.

  50. Deana September 30, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    Our experience wasn’t so bad. (Ducking) Last year, 5 out of 6 daughters, and my husband’s ex wife all got it. We took the kids to the Lice Boutique. Travel 100 miles if you need to to get to someone with a lice machine. An hour later you are declared lice free, head-wise, including the EGGS, which BTW, the insecticides don’t do–you have to spend hours combing those out and rarely get them all. The machine uses warm air–no insecticides (which, besides being bad for your kids, aren’t working as well because Lice are becoming immune to it.) The lice boutique, after killing all lice, did a second thing–they put lice enzymes on their heads. This is what the lice themselves use to split their own shells when they grow, so they can’t become immune to it. It makes any possible survivors explode. They also gave us more enzyme as a “just in case” measure for a few days later. Then they call us back to recheck. 4 times the protection!!

    We washed the sheets in hot, vacuumed and sprayed furniture with enzyme, and put the stuffed animals in plastic bags in the garage for a couple of weeks—longer than the newest laid egg can survive. A half of day later it was gone. We sent the kids to school for the rest of the lice season with their hair tight against their heads. Use hairspray if you don’t mind it.

    I won’t kid you, it’s expensive, but worth every cent if you have to keep the nasty poisonous stuff off my kids and be done with it THAT day.

    PS. ONLY buy these combs nitfreecomb.com/ . Cheap ones don’t work! Once a week, comb through heads and catch it before it spreads for the school year. If you can’t afford the above, at the very least buy these combs and comb away. Continue to do so for a few days “just in case.”

    It’s not so bad everyone!! You can do it! 🙂

  51. Sheryl September 30, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

    Rid and Nix don’t work! Bugs have become resistant to them. Lice R Gone is awesome. Organic shampoo that has enzymes in it that disolve the exoskeleton of live bugs and the glue that keep the nit in the hair. Still have to diligently comb, but so much better than putting poison in your hair. For all the pillows and evrything else, f you don’t need them foe a while or they can’t go in the dryer, seal them up in. garbage bags for a few weeks. We had lice earlier in the year, and i still think about them every day. These huge pictures of lice life cycle that showed up on facebook news did not help!

    • Megan October 1, 2013 at 4:38 pm #

      Yes I agree! I had started with the chemicals, then did my research. The enzyme shampoo was my lifesaver!

  52. susie graham September 30, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

    Those of us that were on Grateful Dead tour…ALL appreciate this!!! Especially those of us whom are Housewives Fans. Oh, the stories we ALL have about these little critters. There were times, we would get pulled over..and the cops were like…. “forget it..just keep driving, we’re not going near this vehicle!!!!” LOVE your story!!!!!

  53. Sue Pritchard September 30, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

    We called the Dr and got the Rx stuff for the hair (after the 3rd round of everything else you mentioned because some other idiot mom did not and it kept making the rounds at school) and also moved out of the house and bug bombed the HELL out of it. Not even joking. We decided a weekend camping trip and a double dose of bug bombs was in order.

  54. Jacki September 30, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    Best laugh I’ve had in a long time. And unfortunately this is about the best process to do just to keep the lil bastards away.

  55. KD September 30, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    When school starts back up every year, I tell my kids to keep their stuff (backpacks, sweatshirts, etc) away from everyone else’s shit. Create a zone around you. Inevitably the note from the school nurse comes home and I spend a couple days checking hair….itching the whole time. So far, so good. But based on what I read above (through tears of laughter), I’m hiring a Licebusters Team if the f’ers make into my household. Bring your ray guns and persicides….

  56. gypsie13 September 30, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    Holy hell.. this right heres my life! I thought I had this beat a month ago.. nope. Kids are home after their first day at their new school.. nits were found on daughters head.. add to that the new place we moved into has a flea problem, I’m pissed! I right now wanna throw everything out! If I wasn’t so poor I would LoL!
    Thanks for the humor of the situation. It’s still gonna be WWIII here.. and the landlord is gonna hear it.

  57. Rachel September 30, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    I got lice when I was pregnant so I couldn’t use all the chemicals so I set off about 10 bug bombs and headed to my mom’s for her help. We drenched my hair in mayo with olive oil put a grocery bag on my head and hit it with a blow dryer washed it out with white vinegar combed and repeated. Luckily that did the trick and it only took the one day to get rid of the little devil’s

  58. Courtnae Holzwarth September 30, 2013 at 3:24 pm #

    As a child I remember my mother’s battle with the LICE . My grandmother put Karosene on my hair it worked but no one was allowed to smoke within 10 feet of me for weeks and I wasnt allowed near the stove .. 😦 I lost clumps of my hair . It was evil and that was only the first of our many battles we battled it a few years later and then a few years after that . My mother fought with the school nurse who was under the assumption that African Americans could not get them ,and while I admit some of the products that African Americans use on there hair greatly diminishes there chances but it is not impossible also there is the children with natural hair . Know this Lice does not discriminate !!!!

  59. clothespin September 30, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

    Just for the record, my hair stylist told us that people infested with lice are not allowed in hair shops – by law. So yes, you can send your child to school with lice (at least in Texas) but can’t get your hair shaved off.

    • trace September 30, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

      I live in Texas and students cannot go to school with lice… well at least my school district

  60. clothespin September 30, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

    Oh, and I just wanted to add that though my kindergartener has yet to get lice, I’ve ordered the Fairy Tales shampoo, conditioner and leave in spray. It’s supposed to help prevent getting them. And, despite the state of Texas dept of health website on lice stating that you can get lice from sharing headphones at school (duh) the school nurse insists that you can’t. So, I went to Radio Shack and bought my daughter her own set of headphones. Purple with her name inside of them stored in a zip lock bag. I don’t care that her teacher thinks that I am one of THOSE moms, better to be paranoid than try to deal with the little bastards later on. Amen.

    • kathleen cavanaugh September 30, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

      Fortunately my Grand Daughter is mixed and hasn’t had them.

  61. Mandy September 30, 2013 at 3:41 pm #

    I laughed so hard, I nearly peed my pants!!! This is soooo true!!! I would rather have flu, strep and double ear infections than deal with lice, it is the mother of all beat downs!!

  62. kathleen cavanaugh September 30, 2013 at 3:41 pm #

    I truly appreciate this article. 20 yrs ago I went to hell and back with this shit. My daughter had thick hair which was 4 ft long. After weeks of her continuing to get this, I started doing her friends heads. It was so bad I was getting calls from random children asking if I could treat their heads. Finally I raised so much hell I became the volunteer head checker before children could be returned to school. One morning I had 12 students full of nits in the clinic. I got permission from the Health dept., school board and parents. After Three 8 hr days at the school of treating heads and daily checks of heads for 6 wks after. I’m happy to say I am the Queen of the Nit Pickers in my city. Don’t even let me get started on scaring the children in my daughters 4th grade class when her teacher thought it would be fun for everyone to try her witch hat on. Yep I lost my mind.

  63. Laura W. September 30, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

    I’m pretty sure that we were best friends in a former life! You are funny as shit, lit on fire, in a brown paper bag, on someone else’s porch, of course <-carry on sentence, cause I had a lot to get out in one breath!!! LOL It joys me that you are able to take the misery of lice and turn it around into something fact based and ridiculously funny. Lice, while my children have yet to suffer from, are in fact my second nightmare…bedbugs being the first!

  64. Jeanine September 30, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

    Amazing!!! My sons school sent home 4 notices last year for lice outbreaks. I’m sharing this on my Facebook because it’s brilliant. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. 🙂

  65. Betty September 30, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

    I went to the drug store and got reg. pet powder and powered the hair and a Aunt Jiamma head wrap and made her wear it all night when she got up.No more lice washed her hair and sent her to school no more lice I never ask anyone what to do i just figured if it was good for the dog it was good for us I have had DR”give you the same stuff the vet gives the dog so i thought what the hell they are not going to recommend anything that will hurt a dog so i try’ed this and it worked. anyone out there thats thinking about this read on the can the directions and best of all call your vet .
    But i got rid of my daughters over night and she had long blonde hair.

  66. Eileen September 30, 2013 at 4:33 pm #

    Oh yeah, I remember those days. But I didn’t use tea tree oil – I used Vaseline with the saran wrap. You bet it smothered those little suckers. Takes a while to wash out, but there are no survivors!

  67. Unity Rains September 30, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    SInce I moved to rural Ms I fought with them. Once I found out about tea tree oil, I put about a tablespoon in EVERY bottle of shampoo in my house. I haven’t had any more problems with them. Thank you for this post. I need to know that others have been through it

  68. Tracy Lee Garreau September 30, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

    Been through a few battles with lice over the years, thankfully not many. I am surprised I only saw this method posted once above, but I have learned the best treatment is Vaseline and a a shower cap or Saran wrap over night and they are history. Yes, it’s a bitch to wash out but they are smothered and gone. I wash all the bedding and spray down furniture, etc with rubbing alcohol.

  69. Beth McGovern September 30, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    TOTALLY HILARIOUS, screaming at my desk at work HAHAHA

  70. Larissa September 30, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

    In my experience Rid and Nix have never work. I use it and the f’ers and still alive and moving around. At our house we use Hellman’s Real Mayo. Spread that all over the hair, wrap it with saran wrap for a few hours, then rinse with vinegar. The lice are so dead all you have to do is run a comb through the hair and they are falling out.

  71. Shelly Field September 30, 2013 at 5:51 pm #

    OMG! I snorted 2 or 3 times reading all the comments. I too have done the battle with the little M’effers with my DAYCARE! I lost three grand worth of equipment/furniture/bedding/carpeting due to those buggars! It got so bad one summer that I wound up sitting on the front steps as each child came to day care and checked their heads before they were allowed to enter the house. And it was all caused by one mom who sent her daughter to day care KNOWING full well she had them! Didn’t tell me until the 3rd outbreak at HER house! The kid was crawling with them. My poor daughter got ’em, mid-back length hair, she was BEGGING me to cut it off! We got rid of them after a week of her sleeping on the kitchen tile floor, with a pillow wrapped in a black plastic bag, one blanket and baby oil on her hair covered with the shower cap treatment. Our last nit got dyed burgundy, when we dyed her hair to dry any of the last of those things out. Needless to say, I’ve been on anti-depressants ever since. (I think it’s been 10 years now…) *scratch scratch scratch*
    Oh and BTW, the 1st time my daughter got “it”, it was from the headphone sharing at the local elementary school at HER day care.

  72. Lisa September 30, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

    Spraying the shit out of the hair with aerosol Aussie hairspray ( purple can) does good at suffocation doesn’t burn and doesn’t smell like a sewage pipe like tea tree oil

  73. Kristin September 30, 2013 at 5:56 pm #

    Omg, this happened to us 2 years ago and I am still recovering. All 3 girls and myself got lice, not once, but twice! I think the worst part was having to pick up my girls at the side entrance of the school and feeling like we had done something terribly wrong. I still get tremors thinking of that horrible experience. I did enjoy Sarah Jessica Parker’s rendition of lice in her movie “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” If we had a Lice Salon I’d be all over that $@@”. Thanks for posting this, I can sort of laugh at it now….

  74. Lisa September 30, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

    I have a non verbal, non ambulatory severely disabled son. Once when he was about 7 (he is 30 now) he went to a summer day camp for handicapped kids. A sweet little girl would come up to his wheelchair and hug him every morning. She loved him. Then I noticed she did not come for awhile. I asked where she was and they said “Oh, we had to have her stay home. She has lice”. I was like “WHAT” she hangs all over my son. I did not see anything on my son so I thought we were safe. So a few days later I was giving my son a bath. As he is laying there in the tub I start to noticed little black things floating in the tub. Started looking and yep, there they were. I pulled up the back of his hair (He had a mullet…yes it was the style then) and the poor kid had scratched himself raw at the base of his neck. It broke my heart that this little boy had these things in his hair crawling around and he could not tell me or even scratch most of his head, only could reach the back of the neck. I freaked. I was pregnant and could not treat my own hair but luckily, don’t know how I did not get them. Even though I was in constant contact with my son. Still to this day, honest to God I did not get them. Hubby did not either but he is military and had a buzz cut so I figured that helped him. So I got some stuff from store and treated my son’s head, did the necessary washing of the bedding,stuffed items went to bags, steamed cleaned his carpet (since he was always laying on the floor figured better safe than sorry) and luckily after one treatment they were gone. Then once nit/bug free I had his head buzzed military style. Much to my hubby’s delight, he hated the mullet and has been buzzed ever since. I have 3 girls that all had long hair and I don’t know how but they never got lice in school. One of my girls even last year saw a kid on the bus and they could see them on his head right in front of them. Now I have probably jinxed myself and one of my girls in middle or high school will get them now. But I will always hate knowing he had them and I did not know and how he must have been suffering.

  75. hasimons September 30, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    This was absolutely hysterical and so true! We went through outbreak after outbreak for about 9 months! Tried every product and as you can see if you’re still reading this, everyone has their own ‘this will work every time’ remedy. I can tell you that the Fairy Tales didn’t do it for us, Rid worked once or twice, Licefree lets them run free.

    Lice MD-a good thorough dousing, followed by Dawn GREEN dish soap (which also kills fleas, by the way) and a 2 hour combing (with 20-30 pieces of hair each chunk-curse my daughter’s thick long hair!) finally got them once and for all. Not the kind of mother-daughter time I was looking for, but well worth it in the end! Then be sure to do another treatment about a week later, just in case, and comb again, although you probably don’t have to spend the 2 hours.

    Ladies, if you haven’t gotten lice in your household yet, get on your knees and thank whoever you believe in!!

    And thanks for the laugh, this article was spot on, especially about the helpful husband part! 😉

  76. Erica September 30, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    Been here! And I seriously loaded my SUV up with every pillow blanket and clothing article in my house and took it too the laundry mat and threw an ass load of it away and decided I felt safer buying new pillows. The only one who had it was my 4 year old who is now almost 6 lol. But I totally traumatized him. I washed combed and treated everyone in house multiple times. Tyler got treated only 100 lol jk but I called a hair salon to see if they would cut his hair and she said if they could see it then no. So I said to hell with it and picked out everything I could find and took him in anyways and got him a much shorter cut. And they never noticed and I threatened the kids if they opened their mouth we would not have Christmas it was seriously like 2 weeks till Christmas. They cut his hair and never noticed. So we went home and sprayed everything in the house with the spray it think I used it as an air fresher too lol I was terrified I even sprayed our Christmas tree and wrapped presents down! But it was gone and never came back. At least not yet! Sometimes I hate public school

  77. Tami September 30, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

    Those little bastards are horrible. After dealing with it over a 4 week time period, being beyond stressed, spending HOURS nit picking with a magnifying head lamp (we probably looked crazy if you looked in a window), cleaning every nook/cranny every day, missing work and spending hundreds of dollars, I took my whole family to “Lice to know you”. The best money I’ve ever spent! Now we have a nit comb and tea trea spray that actually works (the comb is metal with tightly woven screw tongs). I tried all the OTC stuff and hand picked to death. None of that worked, I spent $200 on a 30 day guaranteed and we are now lice free. I check every kid after every sleepover and do weekly checks. I NEVER want to see those a**holes again!

  78. MegRose September 30, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

    Because my stepfather’s ex wife was a terrible woman, she always sent my step siblings when there were school breaks with heads full of lice. EVERY DAMN YEAR! I had long thick hair too, so once I got the fuckers(kept my hair braided up, never shared hair ties or bedclothes, but sharing the bedroom was enough.) I would break every plastic nit comb they could throw at me. I only survived without the big chop for that many years by sitting very still and not complaining. Didn’t stop my dad from nearly shaving me bald out if sheer frustration when it miraculously made it’s way to his house, but he did an okay job with his trusty flowbee.

  79. Alyssa September 30, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

    If this ever happens in this house, everyone is bald, the end. My mother went into hysterics when we brought it home from our cousins (who perpetually had it, blegh), and I will never forget the horror of my mother and the combing through of my sister’s very thick, VERY CURLY hair. I will shave my own head. Seriously. *shivers*

  80. lwest3137Leah September 30, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    haha.. I have boys. When I suspected they had got it from a neighbor girl, I shaved their heads with a razor. I took zero chances. If I owned a straight razor, I would have used that just to make sure I got as much hair as possible. Sorry about those first 5 layers of skin, kiddo’s.

  81. Angelynn Pierce September 30, 2013 at 7:45 pm #

    My head is itching right now just READING all this!! Dear God, I do not want to do the dreaded dance with lice EVER AGAIN! Quit talking about this shit people!

    Ugh, OCD on overload here……(I think there’s something on my head now)

  82. Dawn September 30, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

    That was the best thing I’ve read I a long time!! It was fabulous!! Thank you!!

  83. Lana September 30, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

    A friend pointed me here this morning…and I must say, this is my kind of blog. I coulnd’t feel your pain more. And here’s a tip from when I lost my lice virginity…a flat iron. Over and over again, small sections of hair. Even the eggs can’t take 400 degrees of “Burn baby, burn”

  84. Molley@A Mother Life September 30, 2013 at 9:31 pm #

    And now I’m all friggin’ itchy! Thanks…..
    Awesome, hilarious post on a bitch of a situation…still itching… curse you and the horse you rode in on!

  85. ozzyturn September 30, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

    Never been so happy to have boys with very short clippered hair, in a boys school!!

    This sounds torturous!

  86. Salty September 30, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    My son is a lice magnet. The fuckers must love his aroma or something. On three occasions in class this year he has picked one off his face/forehead while it was on the way to colonise his head. He showed the teacher who then phoned me to break the awesome news. Treating and combing found nothing else luckily. He must be super sensitive to the feeling of pregnant whore louse on his skin.
    I’m still scarred by what I call the black January of 2011 when I swear we got lice from a motel while on holidays. It started on the second day with boy wonder plucking one of the blighters out of his hair in the car and passing it to me. I have 4 kids and only one ended up not having them. Of course my 2 year old daughter had them and as she had been sleeping in with us, I knew my head scratching wasn’t psychosomatic. I swear these lice could have survived a nuclear holocaust because it took weeks to be nit free. I drank a lot.

  87. PDXGuy September 30, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

    Been through lice 2 times, we have this place near us Lice Knowing You, yes they charge $100/hr, worth every dime, guaranteed. Amusing article but in my house my wife panics, feels overwhelmed, over stuffs the washing machine and breaks it, then I come home and do everything. Hair combs/brushes in the freezer, bedding blankets are off to the laundromat where I power was it all in an hour, then vacuum the house…follow up appointment 3 days later at the lice place, done. It’s a day off, some work, but it’s not nearly as bad as some people say. The over the counter stuff is really bad and doesn’t kill the nits, people that go this route will have a tough time.

  88. Angie Leung Williams September 30, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    I just peed my pants laughing at this. Just a little. Not like I have a problem with incontinence or anything.

  89. Robin September 30, 2013 at 11:47 pm #

    This happened to us about a year ago, and the Cetaphil treatment is the only thing that worked…and the best part was you didn’t have to do the combing with the tiny comb. Just treat with Cetaphil once a week for 4 weeks, and you kill all the live lice that hatch during the week….this was hilarious, though! http://nuvoforheadlice.com/method_explained.htm….this is what the pediatrician told us to do!

  90. Heather October 1, 2013 at 1:07 am #

    Lice is awful, we had it again two weeks ago now and my head still itches. It is so true you need to do all those things with the pillows and bedding and stuffed animals. Some of the stuffed things are still in quarantine lock down in our house. Two years ago after trying Nix and it NOT working, I found the Ladibugs company. And WOW, that stuff really works. I believe it is like fairy tales – I use their shampoo on my daughter to prevent.
    If you don’t shake it try ladibugs, seriously love their products and no I don’t work for them.

  91. Jenna October 1, 2013 at 1:27 am #

    When I was a kid, I had head lice. My mother covered my head in a mixture of mayo and vinegar, and covered it with a plastic cap (she reapplied every 6 hours for 48 total). Then she washed it with the lice shampoo and combed it out. I was back to school within a week. I am black, it that matters (you know, hair type and what all).

  92. just another s-a-h-mother October 1, 2013 at 1:32 am #

    This is the best thing ever written on the subject of lice. Way effen better than that annoying letter the school sends home.

  93. Tari October 1, 2013 at 1:35 am #

    denorex mixed with baby shampoo. Lice hate it. Be sure it is the original denorex with tar. Wash nightly and comb. Lice gone within 2 days and continue to use denorex. Prevents them from coming back. Also lice has to have clean hair to attach the egss. Mousse and hair spray stick to the hair and prevent them from laying the eggs.

  94. Susan Merrin October 1, 2013 at 2:31 am #

    Great article. Thanks for the laugh!
    Been there done that with my own kids. Then my grandson and I got lice a few years ago and due to being on many medications we couldn’t use the chemicals on him. A public health nurse told me to use vaseline and vinegar. Slather the scalp in vaseline and let it sit there for an hour or more. Wash out with Dawn dish detergent and rinse with vinegar. Then comb out all the nits. I only had to do the one treatment and we were both lice free! It took hours as I have waist length hair and he has very thick hair, but I wouldn’t use anything else if we ever get lice in the house again.

  95. Kelley October 1, 2013 at 2:46 am #

    Forget the Rid or Nix. Call your child’s pediatrician and ask for a prescription for Ulesfia. It is the bomb and your kid’s hair feels nice after using it too.

  96. Sarah October 1, 2013 at 3:03 am #

    My three year old son, with awesome, long, surfer style hair just had lice two months ago. We made the unfortunate discovery while I was in the hospital having a baby!!! Talk about panic! Shaving his head was out of the question. So my awesome husband went to the drug store at 10pm and bought RID and treated him and thoroughly combed his hair in our hospital room. He then took him back to his moms house and we both treated ourselves in the hospital just for good measure. I was beside myself doing all the laundry and sanitizing my house two days after giving birth to my daughter, who to our surprise was born with a full head of hair!! But the best treatment out there is using Cetaphil skin cleanser and completely saturating the hair and then blow drying completely dry. The Cetaphil basically shrink wraps itself to each strand of hair and suffocates the lice. Leave it on overnight and do this once a week for 3 weeks in a row to catch any newly hatched ones. I’ve worked at a pediatric office for 11 years and this is what they recommend. Not toxic, not irritating and they say you don’t even have to comb, but I did anyways. So, we used RID initially as a quick fix to kill all live ones and the Cetaphil treatments started the next day and tea tree oil shampoo and haven’t had any problems since. You can read about the Cetaphil treatments here http://www.nuvoforheadlice.com

  97. JulieYouJest October 1, 2013 at 3:34 am #

    This post is hilarious. I swear my daughter was infested with these assholes every time someone within a 5 mile radius just said the word lice. Now she’s in college and just heard through the grapevine someone in her dorm had lice. She called, “Mom, I’m quitting school and moving back home.” I told her that she wasn’t allowed anywhere near our house without a free and clear letter signed by a medical professional. My shift is over.

  98. Josie October 1, 2013 at 4:33 am #

    Oh my friggin Lord, I almost died reading this. …When I was a kid, my Mama made us dunk our heads in KEROSENE for half an hour, twice a day, for what seemed like weeks, to get rid of lice that all 5 of my siblings, and i had. EEEEEK! My daughter got it once, at age 5, and all HELL broke loose! I have dreadlocks, and have for 10 years, and kept those bitches soaked in tea tree, and wound up in a homemade, airtight, plastic “turban” while committing mass genocide on those little devil buggers! Your treatment plan is solid. There is no “too much” when it comes to lice……though I didn’t drink wine. I drank BOURBON. 🙂

  99. Raquel Lazar October 1, 2013 at 4:51 am #

    Brilliant! Add Rosemary Oil. Lice hate the smell and I find it to be a good preventative measure. Drown your kids in it on a daily basis.

  100. Michelle October 1, 2013 at 4:53 am #

    My head starting itching as soon as i started reading this. I was laughing out loud, my husband thinks i am crazy. The robi comb was the best investment i have ever made and with 3 girls that have long thick hair it has been well used!!

  101. JD October 1, 2013 at 5:17 am #

    Mayonnaise for 2 hours, then rinse. Done. Good luck and God speed!

  102. Glenda October 1, 2013 at 5:40 am #

    Wow. Lice have gotten tough in the last 30 odd years. I remember getting it in 4th grade and everybody in the family just had to wash with tar shampoo (which stunk to high heaven) and mom was using the nit comb on me daily. She never touched my stuffed animals. I think we had to do the treatment for a month or so (whatever the life cycle of the lice was).

  103. Jodie Fraser October 1, 2013 at 10:10 am #

    They have lice specialists??? I had to take out a 2nd mortgage on my house just to pay for the noxious chemicals I had to put in my kid’s hair EVERY FEW WEEKS! Coz you can’t just treat the kid with the lice, you have to treat the whole FAMILY!!

  104. Keri October 1, 2013 at 10:51 am #

    Thank you this article. I battled lice all summer and spent hundreds of dollars thanks to summer camps 🙂 best thing I found was put a whole jar of mayo on the head wrap in Saran Wrap and go to bed. Smothers them all. A slow painful death

  105. Jason York October 1, 2013 at 10:58 am #

    This is the best thing ever, although that’s not Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford in “Mommie Dearest”. It’s Bette Davis playing Baby Jane Hudson in “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”, which also starred ‘Mommie Dearest’ Joan Crawford, so you’re in the ballpark, but it would have been awesome to see Faye in her cold cream fright mask/kabuki face from that scene where she beats Christina with the Bon-Ami in the bathroom.

  106. Jamie Greenbaum October 1, 2013 at 11:14 am #

    You are hilarious!! I feel your pain and have been there myself with 2 daughters! Olive oil was my life saver and made the girls wear it in their hair for a month after. My husband finally had to talk me down (really not kidding) after cleaning their hair every day for that month!

  107. Phaedra October 1, 2013 at 11:36 am #

    I’m scared… I don’t want this to happen to us 😦

  108. angela Beedle October 1, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    Funniest shit I’ve ever read. And yes it’s real, cuz I’ve lived it. And my husband missed the whole thing by being out of town for two weeks. Which probably was for the best cuz i’d have killed him for uselessness.
    And now I’m itchy…

  109. KiwiAussie October 1, 2013 at 12:47 pm #

    We battled the things for 14YEARS!!! Every time we got rid of the suckers, someone would bring them back in the house. Picture this SEVEN daughters. All with thick hair. Combing EACH child twice a day for up to an hour per child. One daughter just never seemed to get rid of them no matter what combination of treatments we used. She has left home now, but at 18, I think she still has them! When she was younger, we used to make her wear bandanas, which at least stopped them spreading to her sisters. To be honest, I think she has gotten sick of battling them, and doesn’t necessarily follow all directions because she has had so many years of treatments, that worked for her sisters but not for her. She actually was life free for a year or so, but then went on a school trip to Vanuatu. And in the villages, everyone has them. They can’t afford to treat, so they just live with them. Ever since then, I don’t think she has completely gotten rid of them. We only have our 5 year old at home now, so we are nit free, but will be seeing one daughter who lives with the 18 year old this weekend. Don’t want to stop her hugging her sister, but at the same time, I really don’t want her getting life off her if she has it!

    Oh, and reading all the things about Kerosene…….in New Zealand when my kids were little, a woman put Kerosene on her kids heads and wrapped them before bed. In the morning, both children were dead. So please, no matter how desperate you are, don’t use Kerosene!

  110. Chrissy October 1, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

    Always used conditioner?????? I’ve lathered real thick, left for half a hour and bam they r dead ! One treatment was necessary and comb them out 🙂

  111. muppet October 1, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Nothing, and I mean nothing you do will work if other parents don’t treat their kids hair too. I had a 5 year long nightmare coz I thought I was a shithouse mum who didn’t know how to treat lice properly. I’d send my daughter to school with hair so clean it squeaked when she walked and not a single one of those creepy crawly little fuckers was in there, and she would come home that night with adults in her hair, having creepy crawly bug sex on her hair follicles.

    Thank you, so much, for this post.

  112. Ace October 1, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    Classic…there isn’t anything you said that isn’t true…you just gave humor to a horrible thing…RIght on sista!

  113. Adria October 1, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

    Ahhh haa haa haa haa. Fantastic post.

    I have been scarred by family lice too many times to recount. I shudder to think about it. In fact, because I’ve read this and enjoyed it the Gods are sure to punish me with another round.

    And yes, by now I go straight to the pros. Worth every penny.

  114. Bett October 1, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

    Guys get it too! All 3 of my boys and husband had head lice last year, but not me! I always have tea tree oil in my shampoo and i guess it worked. Nice thing for guys though after we cleaned their hair with Nix, I shaved them bald while sitting in the bath tub. Collected their hair into a plastic bag, showered them down, and everything went down the drain. Then I spent 48 hours cleaning the house. It worked they never returned and my men got to be look alikes, freezing heads in the dead of winter.

  115. Linda Jewett Morris October 1, 2013 at 2:49 pm #

    so when my daughter was in 3rd grade she had lice every FREAKING week for the first 3 months, no joking!! so finally I got tired of picking those dirty little bastards out of her head, here is what you do, I SWEAR IT WORKS!! and its all natural, get a bottle of vegetable oil, any kind it does not matter what kind, cover the hair every strand until its dripping everywhere( no poison here) wrap the head with a plastic bag of some sort, those cooking bags work really well, leave over nite, yes you will have to some laundry but thats a given, in the morning wash the hair and watch the little bastards fall down the drain. best conditioner ever, then everyday after put mousse, hair spray, gel this also does not matter just put something on the hair and make sure you blow dry every nite. the dirtier the head the more the dirty little bastards hate it. this is the only thing that kept us lice free through out elementary school.

  116. Christina Mancuso-Henry October 1, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

    Thank you for the laughs! A little whore or two decided to make a home out of my head a month or so ago and it was absolutely horrifying. I was 2 seconds away from shaving my head but then I discovered if you burn the living crap out of your scalp with disinfectant not mean to go on your head (dettol) and scrub your head while a white towel and do evil things to the suckers who get caught on the towel, you will eventually get rid of them.

  117. Akemi October 1, 2013 at 3:17 pm #

    Is anyone else itchy?

  118. Laura October 1, 2013 at 3:20 pm #

    As an RN working with homeless and incarcerated kids I have done so many head lice treatments my co workers once crowned me the Parasite Queen. I feel kindred spirits here; keep giving them Hell, ladies.

  119. Merryfey October 1, 2013 at 3:33 pm #

    We went rounds with lice a few years ago. My stepdaughter was constantly bringing them home every time she came back from her mother’s house. It was so bad that the lice actually started laughing at the Rid and Nix (yes I could hear them) We talked to her pediatrician, and she recommended Lice MD. This stuff is a life saver! It’s non toxic and it works in 2 ways… it suffocates the little fuckers and makes the hair oily so that they will slide out easier with the comb. It even worked on my uber thick, waist length hair, and was a bonus win because I was pregnant at the time. Skip the Rid and Nix, go with the lice md and several shampoos.

  120. Elise October 1, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    When lice infested my elementary school 30 years ago, the school checked every single kid, sent home notes, and fumigated and ripped out carpets. My mom treated my hair, and and washed all my stuff. Nobody else in the family got lice. The school put in strict rules governing where kids kept their stuff, and continued to check hair once a week. The lice never came back.

  121. Sarah October 1, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

    This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read….EVER. And all true. Lice are little mother effers and super adaptable. I didn’t even use the RID or Nix (because the little bastards have built up an immunity to that stuff) but instead got a prescription from my doctor and did a oil treatment with the do-rag every other night for 3 WEEKS. Then, just to make sure I got them all, we did the cetaphil treatment. You can google all these things. It’s all horrible horrible horrible…and husbands are as useless as tits on a boar during this whole process. True dat.

  122. Fay October 1, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

    We use flea bombs/foggers, and do the entire house, rather than that small can of lice spray. Just match the active ingredient (permethrin) and percentage. Then wash bedding. (And, of course do hair.)

  123. Suzanne Casey Lavin October 1, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

    Oh my God, I think I peed a little. You are hilarious. I happen to own a lice salon and you, girlfriend got a lot right and some wrong. Not surprising – the internet is full of bad info. Even the CDC has stuff on their website that’s incorrect.

    First off, no robi-comb necessary, but yes get a good lice comb (Terminator Nit Free is great).

    I’m participating in a study at U of Mass, Amherst that’s looking at their growing resistance to pediculicides (pesticides) – Rid and Nix, so your nuclear holocaust comment is a reality…they are evolving to outwit us. I have clients in regularly who used the over the counter products and now have the worst case ever. Another product called Sclice is better but still requires combing. Unfortunately it’s being marketed to doctors as the easy cure-all, hence we also have people coming in who used it and have raging lice.

    Mint is a natural deterrent. Anyone who gets lice once should forever make rosemary mint conditioner a mainstay of their grooming routine. Suave makes one. A spray is nice too if hair isn’t washed daily. You’re right about tea tree but it’s clarifying, therefore drying if used a lot.

    Finally, there are good businesses emerging that help families and include education as a part of the service. Look for a salon that’s Shepard Certified. The Shepard Institute is the only training facility in the country. Also, be wary of businesses that try to sell a lot of products or expect numerous and expensive return visits rather than educating and making the client a part of the process.

    Good luck out there everyone!

    Suzanne Casey Lavin
    Shiny Strands Oak Park, IL

    • Scratchy Mommy October 1, 2013 at 11:40 pm #

      I am fighting this fight right now. I have NEVER commented on a blog before but i am laughing and tearing up as well. It’s been war for 3 weeks, and I have gotten this far without my kids (kindergarten and 1st grade) knowing that the “itchies” that the 3 of us have are bugs. They think I have gone berserk and I think my husband is about to jump ship. He can’t find a single nit or louse on any of us, and although he has hit the pharmacy several times and does the sheets… Well, lets just say this is one time I think a sister-wife would be a godsend. We have tried it all but the zapper, and have also done the 3 week Cetaphil method, which I think is worth it. Also, haircuts all round. My daughter begged mr to shave her head like Daddy, but I refused. Though if she starts scratching again… No promises.

  124. aj October 2, 2013 at 12:34 am #

    we had this 2 years ago but only one infestation.
    i have a 12 yr, 7 yr, 6 yr, and 5 yr old. all with long thick die for ringlet curls ( think shirley temple)
    we did get the rid brand and it was stupid and crazy.
    oh yeah hubby and i had it too. thanks little grubby kids all the slimy germs you pass along in school isn’t enough!!
    the rid did not seem to do anything. everyone looked like i had them in assembly line for yearly scrubbing but multiple times a day.
    the thing i used and i did not read it anywhere in your posts was the gold colored Listerine. it kills the adults and dries out any inbetween stages and loosens the nits. apply it liberally to hair (keep out of eyes it will sting) let it sit wrapped in bag, durag, shower cap insert your choice here. leave it sit for an hour. kids thought it was fun cuz they had that mint clean tingling on their head. rinse carefully out of hair and then shampoo hair. then on to the combing! use an area with bright lights/white lights.
    i repeated this nightly for a week with combing 2 or 3 times a day. then i did a repeat just once in a month because i’m OCD.
    no problems after or since. (cross my fingers)
    its toxin free and leaves your hair silkier than nothing i’ve ever seen.
    also cuz i’m OCD i will do this to my self everyonce in a while because i iched my head too many times or if i get that weird feeling of something crawling even though i know its just my hair shifting. can’t hurt but my hubby knows cuz he always asks why it smells like Listerene!
    hope it helps

  125. kellie October 2, 2013 at 1:45 am #

    Oh ladies! Lice is more of a bad word than the f one! Battled this for almost a year.. very time my daughter went to her fathers I had to start ALL over. Finally got rid of the little fers.. little tip I learned along the way that I haven’t seen anyone post. The shampoo denorex EXTRA STRENGHT ( that’s important) kills them. Still to this day the day she comes home from her fathers she shampoos with it. She switches every other day with it and whatever regular shampoo she would like during the week. We’ve been lice free for a year and a half! Thank goodness!

  126. heidi October 2, 2013 at 2:23 am #

    Lice happened to us, so I thoroughly enjoyed this post and laughed hard while scratching my head. PTSD and all that. That metal comb is gold.

  127. Michelle Mood October 2, 2013 at 2:51 am #

    My hubby was awesome. After eight days of all day work against the lice, I was hospitalized for 8 days and he had to take over, with his brothers help. Just a big shout out to him!!!!! And we used a slippery product that smothers the lice and loosens the egg glue. In the end, that is what worked.

  128. Emily October 2, 2013 at 5:29 am #

    I have a tip in case you still need some help getting those nasty creatures. Sadly, I had lice for 4 consecutive years growing up ( from grades 2 – 6) and clearly it was up to me to get rid of it. I ended up finally getting rid of it inadvertently by starting to blow dry my hair. It was awful and embarrassing. And BTW, don’t count on school lice checks to accurately tell you your kid is in the clear. I passed multiple lice screenings in those lice ridden years. Eek!!!

  129. Yvette October 2, 2013 at 12:56 pm #

    Haha this is hilarious…and some of these post make me laugh even more…I too struggled with lice for 4 consecutive years from grade 4 to grade 8…when I was young we didn’t have all these fancy things to help get rid of them so my sisters and I would make a train and pick through each others hair…but the only reason why I find this convo so funny is because I now work for a company called “The Lice Squad”. I highly recommend buying/using our treatment as I find it works a lot better then OCT stuff like NIX or RID…complete waste of money if you ask me because the lice eventually become immune to OCT products…we also sell one of the best combs out there OCT combs break way too easily…you don’t need to go crazy with your hair like this…all you need to do it mix our treatment (which by the way is pesticide free)…15ML of enzyme and 4OZ of conditioner…put the mixture on dry hair (DO NOT WASH IT OUT). leave the treatment on your hair for 45 minutes with a shower cap on or in this case a “do rag” lol…after 45 minutes grab some napkins and our handy dandy lice comb along with a regular parting comb. use the parting comb to comb out all of the knots…our lice comb cannot comb through the hair with knots it will rip your hair out…after every few strokes wipe the goop off on the napkin…comb the hair until you do not see any more lice or nits. Leave the treatment in your hair and put your hair into braids wash it out the next day…you need to repeat this process 2 more times every 4 days…do not wait till the 5th day to treat as if you do any nits that you may have missed will hatch on the 5th day…always keep your up or braided its the best way to keep your hair from flying all over and potentially catching it again…as for your house…there is no need to wash everything…just put all bedding and what not in the dryer on high heat for 30 minutes and vacuum your furniture…we also have a spray that you can purchase to spray furniture with or even spray your car. Here is a helpful tip for you it was mentioned in a couple post above that lice can only live a few hours away from a human head….Lice can actually live up to 48 hours off of a human head. which is why it is important to vacuum. here is the link to our website http://www.licesquad.com/ Best of luck to all of you.

  130. Joanna October 2, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

    Talk to me if you ever get bed bugs! Lice will be a piece of cake! You forgot
    to mention if you use nix or
    Rid you have to treat twice!!!! 7-10 days apart And everyone in the house…don’t listen to all the crap on the internet! Also use baby shampoo and no other products besides the tea tree oil between the two treatments! Spray that circle of friends lice defense detangler or the fairies product on on your kids every day! Spray on their books bags and shoes here and there! My kids just love me ;). Also, have all the relatives check their kids hair before coming over for the Holidays! Or use a metal comb on all your kids after they leave. Sleepovers are a breeding ground! Buy your kid his own baseball or football helmet! You don’t have to wash the sheets every day! Throw them in the dryer every morning until the nightmare is over! Buy plastic combs….use them to get ready in the
    Morning….place them in a tall glass of rubbing alcohol until you can boil them later. Get each of your kids their own brush and put it in their own drawer after the ordeal is over. Remind them not to share hair items or hats. Make sure teachers are putting art shirts and coats in book bags and not on hooks where all the coats are hung. I could go on and on…most importantly talk about it!! I know it’s embarassing but get over
    And help get rid of them!

  131. Amanda Gillespie October 2, 2013 at 2:51 pm #

    I haven’t read all the replies to see if this has been mentioned, but lice are resistant to the OTC treatments. If you have decent prescription coverage, call your doctor or pediatrician and ask (demand) the prescription treatments. It works in one treatment. We had lice this summer and didn’t go through any of this. I slowly picked the nits out over a week and bagged up the stuffed animals and that’s it. I had lice, too, and my husband couldn’t see the nits, so no one picked my hair and they never came back. 1 treatment is all it took.

  132. Stacy Nicolau October 2, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    OMFG this is the funniest thing I have ever read about lice. I just bought lice prevention shampoo today. Because if you have girls, You.Will.Get.Lice. REPEATEDLY. My son can go to 12 sleepovers and wrestle with his little sister for hours and he will NEVER GET LICE. My girls can just text a friend and their head starts itching. And then the lice disappear for MONTHS and it wasn’t because of a damn thing you did right or wrong. And when you get all cocky about how you slayed those bitches, they show up again. My personal favorite is straight up purell, peppermint oil and tea tree oil. But for some serious cases, (cue the shameless plug) here is the article I wrote last winter. http://neafamily.com/your-family/health/the-lousy-truth-about-lice/

  133. Patrice October 2, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

    Reading this post makes my head itch. I will never forget having lice as a kid and my mom going a my hair with that little metal comb.

  134. Jane October 2, 2013 at 3:33 pm #

    I found a couple in my van when the kids had lice. So treat your car too. I enjoyed your article, funny

  135. jill October 2, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

    brilliant! im a follower now. never laughed so hard! thanks

  136. qwertygirl October 2, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    FOUR MOTHERFUCKING TIMES my FOUR children have gotten lice. FOUR. I blame the Earth Mother types who insist on raising motherfucking chickens, having little girls with waist-length hair, and refusing to use actual skull and cross bones POISON to kill the bastards (the lice, not the chickens or the little girls). But that’s part of where I live. Lice–HATE HATE HATE. Now my head itches.

  137. Tracy Johnston October 2, 2013 at 6:16 pm #

    OMG I needed a good laugh. Thank You!!

  138. Tracy Johnston October 2, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

    My daughter has had lice twice. The day she was born she had so mich hair the first thought that ran thru my mind when seeing my beautiful baby girl was “Great I hope she never gets lice with that hair!!” Well she did amd she has curly hair down to her put that is the equivalent of 6 girls. In total it took me 12 hours to
    gonthru her head. I cried half of it!! She came home Halloween Night on a Sunday at 10pm and said oh yeah mom I found an ant in my head but it was dead.said get your ass in the bathroom amd sure enough. That shit can never happen at 10:00 on a Sunday or Saturday. Its gott be bedtime!!

  139. Ashley October 2, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    This might be a good way but its long. My daughter had lice and I caked mayo in her hair and put on a hair net over night, then washed it out with dawn dish soap and then soaked her hair in apple cider vinegar with another hair net for a couple of hours washed it with dawn again and combed hair with the nit comb. Worked better than anything you can buy and quick. Hope this helps better

  140. Mridu Parikh October 2, 2013 at 7:28 pm #

    this was the best thing I’ve read in a long time! (and I read a lot!) THANK YOU for the laughter and the good info.

  141. sarah October 2, 2013 at 10:37 pm #

    I battled these miserable son of a bitches for over a year yes its true 2 little girls with waist lenght long thick hair . I died their hair same color of course I bought the robicomb, I put olive oil wrapped their heads overnight did it all. I painstakingly picked through each strand of hair I threw out pillows and bought new. I stopped short of shaving their heads then finally one day it was gone….. This is no joke those MoFos are the biggest pain in the ass .

  142. Jenny October 2, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

    If you are lucky, it will happen in the dead of winter. Wash the fuck out of the hair as directed above, go to the attic and get the summer clothes and take off for the Carribean for a long weekend. They’ll all be dead when you come home. Alternatively, put everything in the freezer or attic if it’s January in New England.

  143. crain2 October 2, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

    Okay, I thought this was hilarious, as well as helpful, having gone through the whole process 30+ years ago and still being scarred by the experience. I shared this on FB with my daughter. A couple of hours thereafter, my daughter called to report that another woman at her daughter’s school had called and reported to the school nurse that my grandchild had lice. . . based on the fact that this was on her FB page. My daughter had to tell them that said child was unaffected and that it was just a blog post.
    Really people! Imagine!

  144. Vanessa* :) October 3, 2013 at 12:11 am #

    Apple Cider vinegar (must be apple cider) and combing out is what our mum used to do. I hated the comb but the vinegar worked really well.

  145. Alice October 3, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    Just read this. Thank you so much for expressing what it is really like. F’ing Bastards! It still makes me sick to my stomach cuz I think my daughter had it for a least 6 weeks before I realized – as she wanted to be a big girl and do her hair all by herself. So by the time she came to me complaining about an itchy scalp, it seems there were hundreds in her head. I almost vomited. But took a deep breath so as not to terrify her. The sad thing was she was trying to grow her hair out for locks of love. Had to cut a foot off of her hair right then and there. Things I could identify with most:

    1. Chemicals used on hair are probably more potent than a nuclear blast. (and those bastards still survive)
    2. I think my hubby was wondering what was for dinner. My reply “are you fucking serious?”
    3. One good thing, I have never decluttered my house so quickly and completely. Goodbye everything.

    Appreciate the comic relief – thanks again

  146. Laurie October 3, 2013 at 2:00 am #

    We’ve battled them a number of times because my youngest daughter has a friend who can’t get rid of them. I asked the Dr. for the prescription Natroba and one treatment is all that it took to kill both lice and nits. You don’t have to comb. I now check my kids heads every 2-3 days. The only problem with not combing is that when you are checking for new nits, you can’t tell if the ones left on the hair are alive or dead until you actually get them out…then I will put them between the tops of my fingernails and see if they “pop”. If they do, then they are fresh ones. If not, then they are old dead ones. We’ve found dead nits still stuck to her hair even 2 months later. Those buggers really stick. But we have never used Natroba and still had any alive after a treatment. I swear by the stuff and I have some on hand at all times because my Dr. will give a prescription so I’m not stuck at night or over the weekend without any. Once you treat with Natroba, all you have to do is wash the bedding once and you are good to go. We do vacuum and put all stuffed animals away as well as brushes, hair ties, etc. If you want to continue to wash bedding, here’s a tip…use a sleeping bag so you don’t have to strip beds every day then just put the sleeping bag in the dryer for 30 minutes. Then all you have to change is the pillow case which is easier than stripping sheets and blankets. Where I live, kids don’t get sent home from school if they have lice so it really spreads. The school nurse has a large, lighted magnifying glass on wheels and she is happy to check your kids in case you don’t know what to look for. She will also check us parents because after dealing with it, you can’t help but be itchy and you don’t know if you actually have them or not. I’m feeling pretty itchy right now so I may have to go in and see her tomorrow! 🙂

  147. Debbie Strasser October 3, 2013 at 2:23 am #

    A friend put this on her FB wall and I read it tonite….I CAN NOT STOP laughing!!! Imagine my surprise when I wiped the tears from my eyes only to find mascara!! BWAHAHA!!! I actually work make-up today!! Go figure!! Seriously, a hellacious week (yep, and it’s only Wednesday) was made much lighter by reading this. Thx, ladies!!

  148. torchess October 3, 2013 at 3:51 am #

    Funny! Yes! But I disagree with #1. Apple cider vinegar will do the trick and it is better than putting a neuro-toxin on your child’s head. I can’t believe they can sell a product to put on a child’s (or anyone’s) head that has been banned for use as a pesticide (outdoor application) for years.

  149. Laurie B October 3, 2013 at 5:21 am #

    We battled the little fuckers for a YEAR. RID, NIX, prescription stuff, licefreee, hair dye, oil and vinegar, mayo, you name it, we tried it. Nothing worked. I finally cut off all 3 girls hair (yes, BAD mommy!) super short, invested in a robi comb (after a year and hundreds of dollars!) and used that and a metal nit comb, daily for 2 months. We even threw everything away and moved! I hope to never see them again!

  150. Stingrae October 3, 2013 at 5:33 am #

    We just had this for the first time this summer. My 10 year old was complaining of an itchy head for a few weeks, I looked at her scalp/hair a bunch of times and saw nothing wrong (apparently didn’t know what I was looking for!). My best guess was dry itchy scalp. So we changed shampoos a few times, stopped using conditioner, that didn’t help. So then tried using MORE conditioner. Then, ON her 11th birthday she was taking a shower before her party and she told me the back of her neck was itchy now too. I looked and there were little red bites every where. I looked at her scalp really really well and I found LICE. My heart BROKE for her. I started to tear up and went straight to the computer to google what to do. I had to tell her that she had lice and that now we had to call all her friends and cancel her party. 😦 She was devastated. We spent the entire afternoon delousing the family and sure enough 2 of my other daughters (ages 3 & 7) had them too! I felt like the WORST mom in the world. How did I miss this!!?? We used Nix, vacuumed like crazy, changed/washed bedding etc and thought we were good. Didn’t see lice for like 5 days so we went on a camping trip out of state that we had planned. Well, the next morning in our tent I was putting a braid in my 3 year old’s hair and there was more lice. SHIT. SHIT SHIT. All three girls still had lice (My husband, son, myself and my 9 month old daughter never got it) so I spent the next 6 hours in the campground shower delousing everyone again. I was wet for 6 hours… pruney feet and I was starving since I hadn’t eaten. It took a total of 3 weeks to get rid of them. My 3 year old ended up getting a third dose of nix poison. 😦 The part about grass fed beef and Shaklee and then not caring about the poison ’cause shit just got real, made me laugh. Yep, that was me. lol!

  151. Brooke Jasmin October 3, 2013 at 6:31 am #

    my sister has had them for about a year, and they were immune to everything, they were like superbugs! Finally, the only thing that worked was shaving her hair..and since then she washes her bedding once a day, and uses baby shampoo w/ tee tree oil everyday! We also go through tons of coconut oil just from coating her hair in it 3 times a week so they don’t come back. They seem to love her hair, no matter what..poor girl!

  152. Wynn's Over Lice October 3, 2013 at 7:12 am #

    You’ve used the greatest weapon of all in the fight against those pesky blighters…A fabulous sense of humour! Go you good thing! We couldn’t resist sharing this on our Facebook Page. What a hoot!

  153. celyn January 22, 2015 at 12:17 pm #

    great post! had fun reading it!

    styleandchocolates.blogspot.com

  154. Lonnie Kusuma June 26, 2015 at 4:06 pm #

    Secondly, we must try to control our urge to itch our skin. And all rule use items most among us have in the kitchen. Even a single child can create a widespread hindrance. Lice Removal, 100 Church Street Decatur, GA 30031 (770)-645-4548

  155. Kandy Bravo June 26, 2015 at 4:12 pm #

    This little AA battery powered comb is an exceptionally powerful package. Nits that appear closer towards tips of hair strands are probably just broken shells. These bugs are known to hide in clothing and bedding. Lice Removal, 100 Church Street Decatur, GA 30031 (770)-645-4548

  156. Emilee Schehl June 26, 2015 at 4:17 pm #

    The actual top develops redness which will add to typical. There are extensive options for “head lice treatments”. Going to placed a shower cap over their heads and let the brisket sit relating to a half hour. Lice Removal, 100 Church Street Decatur, GA 30031 (770)-645-4548

  157. missguidedmama October 7, 2015 at 9:51 pm #

    This is the single most wonderful piece of literature I’ve ever read

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