Tag Archives: pinterest

Back-to-School Pinterest Bitches

29 Aug

It’s that time of year again. The kids are going back to school, Target is abuzz with harried moms, the beaches are emptying, I’m still not tan and shit’s about to get real on Pinterest:

I went to Ocean State Job Lot and bought my daughter’s school supplies. After washing last year’s perfectly good bag, I packed it very neatly, wrote her a little ‘good luck’ note and felt like a mom rock star. Then this bitch went and did this:

Why God? Why?

How and more importantly why?

And then her asshole mom friend did this:

I started this project and then ate all of the rolos.

I started this project and then accidentally ate all of the Rolos.

Sweet baby Jesus in the sky, why do people have to be so crafty?

I had a glass of wine, felt inspired and worked on this little project. Evidently, you’re not supposed to use a blow torch to melt the Crayons:

Drink wine and fuck up crafts.

Drink wine and fuck up crafts.

Raise your hand if your kids’ last three years of school pictures are somewhere in the bottom of your “To Do” file. #mustmailtorelativesbeforecollege.

I’m just glad that my kids’ socks match and that I don’t look like Amanda Bynes at the bus stop. (<—–Lie. I always look like Amanda Bynes at the bus stop.)

Don't forget your lunch, kids! Mommy loves you.

Don’t forget your lunch, kids! Mommy loves you.

 

The moms who won’t let it go. Even into the college years:

My mom's weird and she makes me do tricks.

My mom’s weird and she makes me do tricks.

 

I’m not even sure what this is? A lemonade stand? For school shit?

I don't understand.

I don’t understand. What exactly are you selling? Explain yourself.

I’m still trying to figure out which summer camp to send my kids to. And then this mom is all:

So now we're supposed to have back-to-school parties for our children?

Don’t forget the personalized chalkboard.

And then there are the moms that rush things:

I call bullshit. Everyone knows that three year olds are too young for Kindy. Nice try, mom.

I call bullshit. Everyone knows that three-year olds are too young for Kindy. Nice try, kid.

Nothing says the most important meal of the day quite like a super crafty breakfast and a diorama of…the first day of school. This mom stayed up until four in the morning preparing this. I hate her:

I just feel like this sets high expectations. If I did this and then tried to give my kids an organic poptart the next morning, I'd be knifed.

How to give your child explosive diarrhea on their first day of school. Also, if I did this and then tried to give my kids an organic pop tart the next morning, I’d be knifed.

And here is a baby in glasses laying on a book. Just cuz.

Smartest baby ever.

Smartest baby ever.

Here’s to overdue library books, forgotten show-and-tell days, last-minute book reports and a whole lot of self forgiveness.

Have a great year! Don’t forget to wear pants to the bus stop.

Pinterest Duet – Part 1

1 Mar
 
 You all three of you asked for more Pinterest updates.
 
 
Stupid signs that make people want to hurt themselves
 

You lost me at 'Someone.'

 

...and some are buried in my back yard.

 
Mompetition
 

We get it. You're a better mom than we are.

 
 

If I see anyone do this one, I swear to God I will pee in that punch...

 
Destination Deaths
 

I don't know about you, but I can't sleep a wink.

 

I just love our new, hanging bed in the rainforest. Sweetie, you seem to have a centipede on your face...

 

Dangling over a ravine in a suspension couch is so relaxing.

 
 
Fashion and Hair
 

Oh awesome, your slutty friend ruined my carpet again.

 

Has anyone seen the refrigerator? I haven't eaten since 2006 and I'm a bit light-headed...and on a roof.

 

In just 87 simple steps, your hair can look like shit too.

 
 
Motivational
 

Nope. That's your mom crying. Because you're so dumb.

 

I pretty sure you can get pregnant doing this.

 
 
Home Decor
 

Sure, the table looked lovely for Easter Brunch, but in the back of her mind, Cindy knew Diane was going to get shit-faced and stick jelly beans up her nose.

 

Oh good. Glitter slut left glitter rings on all the tables too. Hate that girl.

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